Tuesday, August 31, 2010


My wife and I are getting ready to celebrate our 58th anniversary. Actually we met in the North Carolina mountains 64 years ago this month. I'm wondering if you think this would be an appropriate message to her.

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Better Keep In Touch

Jake, the rancher, went one day
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
And the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen,
The wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition
He knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
Would do if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time,
He softly cursed his luck
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter.

So they sat and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score --
In Heaven, time is free.

'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete,
'that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help,
Well, he just plain wasn't there.'

'Does God answer prayers of some,
And ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers.'

'Or does he randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season.'

'Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me --
What the heck's the deal?!'

Peter listened very patiently
And when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'

That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us trying.'

'A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard
From you in quite a long while.'

'And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota '


Saturday, August 28, 2010

By request-More Blondes

How do you confuse a blonde girl?

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

There is a blonde, a brunette and a red head in a grade three class room...

Which one is the cutest?

......the blonde because she's eighteen

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

The Chair
A professor invented a lie detecting chair.

Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.

During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself.

She began, "I think you are the best teacher I’ve ever had."

The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.

After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair.

The professor asked her to tell something of her life.

She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.

Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I’ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Blonde Selling Car
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Friday, August 27, 2010

Strange How Things Work Out

All things come to he who waits

In Japan, my assignment was to the 6485 Operations Squadron under the 315th Air Division. The squadron consisted of 2 C-47s, used for training Royal Thai Air Force personnel, 2 C54s (DC-4s) used primarily for Aeromedical Evacuation flights and some special operations, and 2 newly acquired C-118's (DC-6s). I had assumed the reason I was assigned to the squadron was for my experience in the C-118s. I had 3500+ hours in the plane and had been an instructor in the aircraft,and flight simulator I thought I could provide valuable experience for them. However, my new Commander had other ideas. He wanted all the other pilots to fly them first, so they could possibly get better jobs when they rotated back to the States. At the time I arrived, the two pilots and one instructor pilot had less than 100 hours combined in the plane. Instead I was assigned to the C-54s and would have to start at the bottom and go through the check-out program. I was quite disappointed.
The C-54 was quite similar to the 118, having four engines and being made by Douglas, but was smaller, slower, and unpressurized. Our weekly scheduled air evac missions in the 54 included a north run, a south run, and one to Korea. Going north we stopped at Misawa, a large Army post and Wakkani on the northern tip of Hokaido, the northernmost island of the Japanese chain. Wakanai was principally a military listening post keeping eyes and ears out for the Russians just a few miles across the water. The runway was pretty short and located parallel to the coastline which meant there was almost always a crosswind for landing. There were only a few hundred people stationed there, but dependents were allowed so sometimes we had to make emergency maternity runs. The base commander was also their tower operator and mailman. He was always glad to see us because we were his only link with the outside world. We couldn't always get in there due to the weather, but we generally gave it a try.
The only mission for the 118s was a weekly, or biweekly run to Clark AFB in the Philippines via stops in Taiwan. These were normally three day trips.
The C-47s mainly flew locally, training Thais, but once a week they would deliver mail to a small special services hunting camp on Chejudo island, a large volcanic island south of Korea. I was fortunate enough to get to go to the hunting camp for a 3 day pheasant hunt. The island was covered with them.
In the C-54, I was fortunate to be able to fly in a couple of flight to Hong Kong. It was an exciting place to go. Our flights there were to deliver Red Cross packages to prisoners behind the bamboo curtain and had to conform to a lot of protocol for the Chinese. The packages was delivered by a single individual walking halfway across a bridge. (Sound like James Bond). There were also some Bangkok trips that were interesting too. Those flights were to rotate some of the Royal Thai Air Force crew members every 6 months.
I had one trip with our 315th Air Division Commander, Brigadier General Benjamin Ellis. He was a prince of a guy and even though I was only a Captain, I felt very comfortable being with him. He eventually got his fourth star and was Joint Chiefs Commander. We flew to inspect places he had personnel, throughout Vietnam and Thailand. Since he was qualified as a copilot in the C-54, we would alternate making the landings. One night while we were talking he suggested that I come to the Division Headquarters to work part time when I wasn't flying. On our way back to Japan, we inadvertently flew through a Typhoon. (Weather surveillance and forecasting wasn't very good back then). It was pretty scary and the general would occasionally poke his head in the cockpit and ask if everything was all right. My concern was that the plane was filling up with water, since it was unpressurized. However everything settled down and I just added an additional 10 knots to our approach and landing speeds, just in case, to make up for the weight of onboard water.
Eventually, I did take the general up on the offer to work part time in the headquarters, but he got promoted and left. The new commander was pretty coarse, and I didn't care much for him, but I did really like the Director of Operations, and I eventually became sort of his fair-haired boy. He started sending me to Tan Son Nhut airport in Saigon, every third month, to work as an Operations Officer at C-130 Operations (managing cargo distribution throughout the country). He also sent me back to Hawaii twice, to brief Admiral Sharpe, the four-star commander of the pacific forces. Now that was excitement.
My second trip, was to get 2 more C-118's, for my old squadron, so they could fly the med evac flights out of Vietnam, instead of using up the C-130 resources. This was so successful, that the new 118s were back in Japan before I was.
Now this posed an interesting problem. Aircrews could not fly into Vietnam unless they were route qualified, according to 7th Air Force. My old squadron had nobody qualified to fly these planes into Vietnam. Enter Stage Left—Moi. I finally got to climb back into a C-118. I flew a C-54 over to Korea, to meet a C-118 crew. I jumped into the 118, made 3 landings, and was re-qualified, I then flew the first scheduled aeromedical evacuation flight to Danang, Na Trang and Saigon. Vietnam. Poetic justice. I finally got to fly the plane I was sent to Japan to fly.

Thursday, August 26, 2010



USA USA USA. Don't we all feel pride when that is chanted at an international event? We are proud of our country,--or are we only proud of part of it? Our troops are fighting to protect our country,--or are they just protecting the well off, and not the helpless? We provide aid to international victims of flood, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, but we don't want to provide healthcare to our own, if they hadn't “earned” it. It's true that healthcare isn't a right, but it is an essential part of every civilized society, except our own.
Until the “Me Generation”, came along and began the worship of the dollar above all things, you could generally get healthcare, if you could find a doctor, any doctor. My father was a doctor who started out in the depression. When someone needed help he was there. There was never a question about ability to pay. He some time got vegetables or a ham, sometimes nothing. That's the way it used to be when times were hard. Now, if you don't have adequate insurance, you're only hope is the emergency room at a hospital. There you will have long waits and the very expensive treatment that may be passed on to the taxpayers.
If you fall upon hard times, you can no longer expect help from your neighbors. You are also to blame if you didn't inherit good intelligence genes, or proper family supervision or have well off parents. Therefore, your children do not deserve healthcare either. Thus the cycle is repeated over and over.
Many, in good health, think they don't need insurance, or feel they currently have other priorities. I was like that when I retired from the Air Force, and had 80% coverage while in excellent health. As Emeril would say- “BAM”, I had a million dollar hospital bill. Face it, everyone will sometime need healthcare, or their parents, or children, or other family members. Therefore, everyone needs to pay for healthcare and it should be taken out by withholding pay, like income tax, and social security. Credit can be deducted from income tax, but the healthcare tax would not be refundable. It would be kind of like life insurance, except the reverse. In life insurance you win, if you die young, but lose if you live a long life. With healthcare you lose if you die young, but win if you get old and need more medical attention. Many condemn this as socialism, I consider it civilized society.
There's still plenty of room for free enterprise and capitalism.

I'm a Republican, but I voted for Obama, principally because of his healthcare agenda. Unfortunately, the President chose to offer up the program, like a referee at a basketball game. He threw the ball up in the air and let the Reps and Dems squabble over it. The Reps were only interested in crushing Obama, so they threw up every obstacle they could. The Dems saw a chance to forward their own personal agendas. Red Herrings, irrelevant things like abortion and illegal aliens were injected into the arguments instead of being addressed separately. There was a total lack of leadership by the President, who should have stood up for the public option. That option, with a 5% surcharge, would have allowed private industry to compete with the government, and still make a profit, while holding down the future cost increases. Since this isn't included, cost will continue to explode. The lack of leadership was similarly displayed in the financial reform package. Dems were able to prevent meaningful regulation of Fannie and Freddie, while Reps blocked similar regulation of the banks. Therefore the two entities that were responsible for our financial collapse were given a clear shot at doing it again.
We can now look at Obamacare as half-full, or half-empty. In either case it's a poor excuse for healthcare. The only bright spot is that it is a starting point that should have happened decades ago. Reps and Dems have a chance, if they will put self-interests aside, to simultaneously provide real healthcare for all Americans, while holding down the exploding costs. However, it is probably unrealistic and naïve to think the politicians of either stripe, would place the best interest and welfare of the citizens ahead of the interests of institutions with the big money. Alas and Alack

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Things you should know to be a manager.

Things you should know to be a manager.
Want to be a manager? Here are four lessons

 Lesson 1: 
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to 
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 
> They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of 
> you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the 
> Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! 
> She's gone. 
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, 
> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of 
> Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone. 
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I 
> want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

> Moral of the story: 
> Always let your boss have the first say. 
Lesson 2
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you 
> and do nothing?' 
> The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a 
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
Moral of the story: 
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high 
Lesson 3 
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to 
> the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the 
> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my Droppings?' replied the 
> bull. It's full of nutrients.' 
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him 
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second 
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the 
> top of the tree. 
> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

> Moral of the story: 
> Bull S--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... 

> Lesson 4 
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird 

> froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 
> While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to 
> realize how warm he was. 
> The dung was actually thawing him out! 
> He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to 
> investigate...Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under 
> the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

> Moral of the story: 
> (1) Not everyone who s---ts on you is your enemy. 
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your friend. 
> (3) And when you're in deep s--t, it's best to keep your mouth shut! 
> Hope it brought a smile to your day...it did mine.

                       Now you need words to put in employee evaluations.
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
Now go out and do it.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Military Intelligence??

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect 
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that damned sniper?" The sergeant looked down at the general and replied:
"I guess not, general. We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."

Monday, August 23, 2010

Who wants to cut property taxes?

Who wants to cut property taxes?

Yesterday, a couple of Tea Party neighbors, came by my house to tout a pair candidates for local offices. They stressed the ills and misuse of tax money and stated their candidates would slash taxes. They were indignant that millage rate increases to compensate for the loss of taxes from plummeting property values were grossly unfair. I listened carefully to their pitches for their candidates and after they left I thought about it some more.
I recalled how last year as a result of a multitude of facts, but principally the decreased property values, we were on the verge of discharging a lot of teachers, firemen, and policemen. This was averted because of the much maligned US government stimulus package. It's obvious that a lot of the stimulus money did little, but it did save a lot of our local governmental employees. This in turn kept more money circulating in our local economy. Now—if we don't get more stimulus money and do as the tea party candidates propose—cut taxes where does that leave us.
Now I'm not an opponent of cutting taxes, but I'd like to know what these politicians have in mind. Oh! They'll talk about cutting waste but you can be assured it will mean fewer road and bridge repairs, impaired police and fire protection and heaven help us fewer teachers in the classroom. Now our education system isn't perfect, but our legislature wasn't able to totally emasculate it this year. I no longer have kids in school, but I think the schools do a pretty good job overall considering what they have to work
Unfortunately, the teachers today have students whose parents have failed miserably in teaching their kids discipline, common courtesy or self-control. This isn't a case of a few students, it's nearly all of them. The teachers time is relegated to baby sitting and trying to teach the FCAT test. However, students who really want to learn can be helped by their teacher.
We also have plenty of crime and fires and I don't want our current capability diminished. So! I'm not willing to vote for anyone who wants to cut property taxes, unless they can be very specific on what will be cut. A cut in the general budget won't hack it. However, I suspect they really have no intentions of doing anything other than being elected.
There are also the courts and constitutional offices (like elections, property appraiser, tax collector). I also don't want to stand in line for 6 hours in order to renew my driver's license. However, if someone wants to get rid of that white elephant-the horse barn, I'm all for it.
In summary, I'm not going to vote for anyone proposing to cut taxes, unless that person makes it perfectly clear, what the impact will be. I like living in Melbourne the way it is now, and I don't want to lower my standard of living. Think about it.

Getting old?

Just for old folks

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

Entertainment at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"S#$%!", said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

A old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Have a nice flight?

Airline Announcements?
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo  ...  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'


'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses........except for that gentleman over there.'


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..'


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!'

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I appreciate religion and art

I appreciate religion and art

Sister Margaret died and went to heaven. There she was met by Saint Peter. Saint Peter said, “ Sister Margaret, you have lived a remarkable life in that you have never sinned. I'm going to send you back so you can experience and understand sin. I want you to go back now and tonight I want you to smoke a cigarette, then call be in the morning”.
Next morning Sister Margaret called Saint Peter and told him she had smoked a cigarette and it tasted terrible, burned her mouth, and made her cough. Saint. Peter said, “That's good Sister Margaret. Now tonight I want you to drink some whiskey and call be in the morning”.
Next morning Sister Margaret called and said, “Saint Peter, I drank some whiskey last night and I couldn't see very well, my head was spinning and I threw up”. Saint Peter said, “ That's very good Sister Margaret. Now there's just one more task for you and that is to know a man biblically-to have sex with him. Then call me in the morning”.
Three weeks later, Saint Peter played his answering machine and got the following message. “Yo Pete, Maggy here. It's gonna be a while.”


Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh 

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh 

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh 

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh 

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh 

 The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh 

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh 

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh 
I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Texas Humor

Texas Humor 


 ....the birds  have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
 ....the trees  are whistling for the dogs.
  ....the best parking place is determined by  shade instead of distance
  ....hot water comes from both  taps.
  ....you can make sun tea instantly.
  ....you  learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
  ....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C)  and you feel a little  chilly.
  ....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your  car.
  ....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
  ....you  actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  ....you break into a sweat  the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
  ....your biggest bicycle wreck  fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
  up lying on the pavement and cook to  death"?
  ....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
  ....the  potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out 
  and add butter.
  ....the cows are giving evaporated  milk.
  ....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
  boiled  eggs
(at least around Waxahachie  )
  That the  Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
  The Methodists are using  wet-wipes,
  Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
  And the Catholics  are praying for the wine to turn back into  water!

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth."

 Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at CrossTrails Church in Fairlie , Texas :


 (1) Just one God. 
 (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. 
 (3) No telling tales or gossipin'. 
 (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. 
 (5) Put nothin' before God. 
 (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. 
 (7) No killin'. 
 (8) Watch yer mouth. 
 (9) Don't take what ain't yers. 
 (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff. 

 Y'all git all that?


Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas


 If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas; 
 If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, 
 You may live in Texas; 
 If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, 
 you may live in Texas; 
 If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas; 
 If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas; 
 If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;


 If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas; 
 If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to usethem, you may live in Texas; 
 If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas; 
 If you find 60 degree little chilly,' 
 you may live in Texas; 
 If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends,you DEFINITELY live in Texas. 

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ya gotta go with what ya got

Ya gotta go with what ya got

During my first tour at Eglin AFB, I was a project engineer in the Armament laboratory, on a new chemical bomb, and was later the Division Chief of flame, incendiaries, flame, and fuel-air explosives in the Armament and Test Center. Three years later when I returned, I became comptroller of the Air to Surface (A/S) Guided Missiles. About six months later I found myself to be the DOD manager of the Modular A/S Weapons program.
In this new job, I was the supervisor of a bunch of very senior civilian engineers, aeronautical, mechanical and electrical and a few military personnel. My predecessor had also been an engineer and that was a problem. The civilian engineers were divided into two camps and my predecessor formed a third opinion on how to proceed with our programs. Our programs included our first guided bomb-a 1000 lb. bomb, with a TV camera in the nose, guidance package in the rear and strapped-on folding wings. Other projects were the Maverick laser guided bomb, modular bomb, and initially the prototype of the cruise missile.
Shortly after I took over the program, I was supposed to give a series of briefings to the Pentagon. In my previous comptroller job I had become very good friends with the senior engineers, and they put aside their differences to help me through the briefings. We worked on it several days, and late Saturday evening, someone brought in a six-pack of beer. We had just started on them when our new Center Commander, a general, entered. I was shocked and was sure I was in a heap of trouble. However, the general introduced himself and said he saw the light on and knew what we were working on. Then he opened his briefcase and brought out another six pack.
The General said he had just been transferred from the Pentagon and would go along so he could introduce me to the proper people. Then he asked me about my background. The room interrupted into laughter and I said “General-you don't wanna know”. - Another round of laughter- Then the General said I mean what type of engineering training. I told him, my graduate and undergraduate work was in ornithology (birds) and my post graduate work was in radiation biology. He said “Oh, I'll think of something.”
On the Southern Airways plane the next day, the captain announced there would be a contest for a bottle of champagne. He asked, “How many golf balls could you put in the belly of this aircraft?” He then gave the length and width of the aircraft and the size of a golf ball. Little slips of paper were passed out for each person's answer. The general and some of my engineers pulled out slide rules and the crude, but expensive portable computers of the 70's and went to work. I had neither, but just thought about it for a minute and wrote down my answer.
After I was announced as the winner, the captain came back to present me with the champagne. He said, “Colonel, I've played this champagne game a hundred times and nobody has come closer than 10,000 golf balls. You only missed it by 10 golf balls. How did you do it? I told him I was a golfer, and used to plan loads for C-130 aircraft, and you had to consider the cube. I subtracted 15 ft. from the length of the aircraft, for radar and other equipment in the nose and tail. Another 20 ft was subtracted for the area where the wing comes in to the fuselage where the heaters, air conditioning and hydraulics are located. I reduced the width by 10% to account for the curvature of the fuselage Now you didn't give us the height of the baggage compartment, but when we boarded, a man was standing, but stooped over loading baggage, so I estimated 5 ft high. That gave me the number of cubic feet. A large bucket of golf balls holds about 60 balls and I estimated 40 more would occupy 1 cubic foot. Putting the numbers together was easy.
The general reached over and patted me on the knee and said, “I won't worry about you any more”.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Learning More Southern

People might think you are a Redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

You know you're a redneck when...
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Oshkosh AirVenture 2010

The Greatest Generation Screwed UP

The Greatest Generation Screwed Up

The greatest generation did more for our country than any other generation. This was the generation of WWII. Nearly every American participated in the war in some way. There were those who enlisted, side by side with those who were drafted. Many gave their all. The people at home also participated as best they could-knitting sweaters, conducting scrap metal drives, buying stamps and bonds. Many items were rationed, like sugar, gas, and meat. Women took the place of men in factories, like “Rosie the Riveter”. When our men came marching home they were honored, not spit on and called baby killers.
These men and women converted our country into an economic giant and world power. Much of the credit can be given to the GI Bill, which enable veterans to achieve a college education. But I think it was the American spirit more than anything else. The country had learned the value of teamwork and meeting goals. Entrepreneurs arose across the country with new ideas, and all the citizens had the goal and expectation of being a respected citizen in their community and taking care of their family. The middle class flourished like in no other country in the world. Even factory workers, mechanics, and plumbers joined in. Even labor unions also contributed, initially.
I believe the key to the success of this country was that the family unit as well as the community were of the utmost important. The almighty dollar was not the driving force to success. A fair day's work for a fair day's pay, was the standard. Even the successful entrepreneurs were not totally driven by the dollar. They had ideas and wanted to be the boss. Of course, the desire for great wealth was there for some, but it was tempered by a tax code for the highest earners of about 90%. Still they thrived.
These people who worked so hard and suffered so much, for their families, community, and country made a monumental mistake. They didn't want their kids to have it so hard. The children began to be more and more pampered. They didn't have to work as a child, were given all the toys, then cars, and spending money or credit cards. College at expensive school became expected. Goals increasingly became money oriented and they expected to be given everything they desired. If they didn't get it, they wouldn't hesitate to steal it. When I was young, the door to the house were never locked. Car keys were left in the ignition. I hitch-hiked from Ft. Myers to Gainesville, with a paper sack full of clothes, to attend the University. There was never any problem getting a ride. If you had wheels you gave rides. If you didn't you accepted them, color didn't matter.
Now, some of the “Me generation” has earned its way to the top. They still don't understand that at the top, they are still part of the team. The lowly hourly workers are indispensable and play a large part of the bosses success. Sometimes it's in spite of the bosses management skills. The television series, “Undercover Boss”, really highlighted this. However, worker's salaries and company dividends in recent years have stagnated, while executive pay has soared. Far more time and money is invested in producing the executive compensation justification document, than the company annual report.
The vast middle class formed by the vets of WWII, which propelled us to the top of the world, has almost disappeared, as the same workers are being pushed into the lower class. This is exemplified by the high number of workers who no longer are required to pay income tax. It's like the “massa” is getting rich while the cotton pickers slowly starve to death. However, there are a number who abuse our current welfare system. This system needs to be converted to workfare. Unemployment offices need to be converted to employment offices and not to just pass out checks. Nearly everyone can do something. Even multiple amputees can answer a telephone. Nursing mothers can help baby sit.
So this is how the Greatest Generation screwed up. They should have made their children earn the money to buy their own “first car”, take responsibility, respect others and never allow them to develop a sense of entitlement. They'll be better off, if they work their way through college, or at least help out. Taking your kids on a camping trip will mean more to them than a world cruise. Of course money is important, but the real things that matters are: supporting yourself and family, enjoying your family and friends and your work, then teaching this to your kids. You only get it one time, so have a good time in your life.

And That's When The Fight Started

Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'


She answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying


So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
Kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
She sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
Split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and
Slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
Seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,


So, I looked down at him and said,

'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
The car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
Short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Learning Southern

Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by

How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Principle's Speech

A Speech Every American High School Principal Should Give
By Dennis Prager

If every school principal gave this speech at the beginning of the next school year, America would be a better place.
To the students and faculty of our high school:

I am your new principal, and honored to be so. There is no greater calling than to teach young people.
I would like to apprise you of some important changes coming to our school. I am making these changes because I am convinced that most of the ideas that have dominated public education in America have worked against you, against your teachers and against our country.

First, this school will no longer honor race or ethnicity. I could not care less if your racial makeup is black, brown, red, yellow or white. I could not care less if your origins are African, Latin American, Asian or European, or if your ancestors arrived here on the Mayflower or on slave ships. The only identity I care about, the only one this school will recognize, is your individual identity -- your character, your scholarship, your humanity. And the only national identity this school will care about is American. This is an American public school, and American public schools were created to make better Americans. If you wish to affirm an ethnic, racial or religious identity through school, you will have to go elsewhere. We will end all ethnicity-, race- and non-American nationality-based celebrations. They undermine the motto of America, one of its three central values -- e pluribus unum, "from many, one." And this school will be guided by America's values. This includes all after-school clubs. I will not authorize clubs that divide students based on any identities. This includes race, language, religion, sexual orientation or whatever else may become in vogue in a society divided by political correctness.
Your clubs will be based on interests and passions, not blood, ethnic, racial or other physically defined ties. Those clubs just cultivate narcissism -- an unhealthy preoccupation with the self -- while the purpose of education is to get you to think beyond yourself. So we will have clubs that transport you to the wonders and glories of art, music, astronomy, languages you do not already speak, carpentry and more. If the only extracurricular activities you can imagine being interesting in are those based on ethnic, racial or sexual identity, that means that little outside of yourself really interests you.

Second, I am uninterested in whether English is your native language. My only interest in terms of language is that you leave this school speaking and writing English as fluently as possible. The English language has united America's citizens for over 200 years, and it will unite us at this school. It is one of the indispensable reasons this country of immigrants has always come to be one country. And if you leave this school without excellent English language skills, I would be remiss in my duty to ensure that you will be prepared to successfully compete in the American job market. We will learn other languages here -- it is deplorable that most Americans only speak English -- but if you want classes taught in your native language rather than in English, this is not your school.

Third, because I regard learning as a sacred endeavor, everything in this school will reflect learning's elevated status. This means, among other things, that you and your teachers will dress accordingly. Many people in our society dress more formally for Hollywood events than for church or school. These people have their priorities backward. Therefore, there will be a formal dress code at this school.

Fourth, no obscene language will be tolerated anywhere on this school's property -- whether in class, in the hallways or at athletic events. If you can't speak without using the f-word, you can't speak. By obscene language I mean the words banned by the Federal Communications Commission, plus epithets such as "Nigger," even when used by one black student to address another black, or "bitch," even when addressed by a girl to a girlfriend. It is my intent that by the time you leave this school, you will be among the few your age to instinctively distinguish between the elevated and the degraded, the holy and the obscene.

Fifth, we will end all self-esteem programs. In this school, self-esteem will be attained in only one way -- the way people attained it until decided otherwise a generation ago -- by earning it. One immediate consequence is that there will be one valedictorian, not eight.

Sixth, and last, I am reorienting the school toward academics and away from politics and propaganda. No more time will devoted to scaring you about smoking and caffeine, or terrifying you about sexual harassment or global warming. No more semesters will be devoted to condom wearing and teaching you to regard sexual relations as only or primarily a health issue. There will be no more attempts to convince you that you are a victim because you are not white, or not male, or not heterosexual or not Christian. We will have failed if any one of you graduates this school and does not consider him or herself inordinately lucky -- to be alive and to be an American.
Now, please stand and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of our country. As many of you do not know the words, your teachers will hand them out to you.

Friday, August 13, 2010

High School Exam

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct to pass.? Don't cheat!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

Sea Survival

This is another snipit from my autobio "A bird of a different feather", that I gave to my kids

In 1965, I was an Air Force pilot being transferred to the 6485th Operations Squadron in Japan The unit principally flew Aeromedical Evacuation missions throughout the Far East. One of the first things I had to do



Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

The Royal Treatment

Twelve years ago, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I decided to write my autobiography. This is one of the stories.

The Royal Treatment

Red-carpet events usually are for celebrities and other dignitaries. It's no wonder this flight crew was a little surprised -if honored – upon their arrival!

In the late 1950's, I was a C-118 (DC-6) aircraft commander in the Military Airlift Command (MAC) transporting service members and their dependents to Europe. One night we departed Lajes Field (Azores,


A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..''

Two'fers---On the sauce

I went fishing this morning and after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him

A lesson in History

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Church Bulletins

Posted 7/15/2010 9:37 AM EDT on floridatoday.com

> They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

/> --------------------------

/> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.




These are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has one meaning and the second sentence gives the phrase a whole new meaning. Pretty funny stuff!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.