Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Why Our Great Grandparents Were Happier Than We Are

'Why Our Great-Grandparents Have Such Fond Memories Of Their Youth...' (I'm surprised that they remember anything!!)

A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'.

Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.
It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

 Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time.

Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time.
He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.


Produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York ..
It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass.

A paperweight:

A paperweight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim , Germany ).

They were proud of being the biggest producers in the
world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma:

At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet,
it didn't cure you, but you didn't care...

Cocaine Tablets (1900).

All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache.

Very popular for children in 1885.

Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy!

Opium for newborns.

I'm sure this would make them sleep well
(not only the Opium, but also 46% alcohol)!

It's no wonder they were called, 'The Good Old Days'!!
From cradle to grave...
Everyone Was Stoned!!

Senior Bumper Stickers

Monday, November 29, 2010


Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 

Dogs miss you when you're away

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Air Force Career Advice

It is always heartwarming to see a young person receive helpful career advice!........

Dear Major Mills:

I am D. J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it
takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take
in high school to help the career I want to take later in life? What can I
do to increase my chances of getting into the Air Force Academy?


DJ Baker

A worldly and jaded C 130 pilot, Major Hunter Mills, rises to the task of
answering the young man's letter:

Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain
has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of
fighter pilots.

Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my
experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's
boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated
aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a
USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:

What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding
world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing, the
venerable workhorse, the C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag
that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the
ground, with the navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an
alternate route to the drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating
with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch while the engineer is in the back
relieving himself and the loadmaster is puking in his trash can!

I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw
tanks, HUMMV's, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even
worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's
staff car! Nowhere else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch
of ammo and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again
before range control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong

And talk about exotic travel; when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere
(usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to
immerse yourself in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad
taste in their mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not
something those C-141 Stratolifter pilots can do from their airport hotel

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

1. Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you
can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and
when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really
believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes
the other 20%.

2. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of
biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer
before the tremendous case of the G.I.'s catches up to you from that meal
you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some
God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.

3. Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC
Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact
location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be
able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he
offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

4. A foreign language is helpful but not required. You will never be able to
pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore
them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and
bellhops in France are always called "Pierre"; in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro";
and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in
other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the

5. A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic
location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and
are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped
to your living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and
beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about
the Air Force Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay
too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced
education. A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much
better choice.

Hunter Mills,
Major USAF

Saturday, November 27, 2010

How Smart Are You?

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animalsi¢¯¢³
attend .... Except one.  Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.   Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good

More Ponderisms

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards :NAIVE


2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)


3. OK ..... so if the JacksonvilleJaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?


5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of theChristian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.


6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?


7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?


11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?


13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.


16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?


22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?


23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dog Logic

The reason 
a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his


 is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing 
on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.


The average
 dog is a nicer person than the average person.


Anybody who
 doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

- Franklin 

 your dog is fat, you need more exercise


My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog 

-Joe Weinstein

If you pick
up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is
t he principal difference between a dog and a man.

- Mark

Dogs are
 not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.


If you think dogs can't count, 
try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.