Friday, September 27, 2013

Pilot Sayings




"Yea though I fly through the  valley of the shadow of death
I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
 At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
  Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach
  3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean
than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's
probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always
have enough power left to get you to the scene of the
crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the   similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot messes up, the pilot dies; if an ATC messes up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never  trade luck for skill."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck;
three in a row is prevarication."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a rainy day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a plane crash
seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest
object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can
just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying
  his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far
into the crash scene as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned
aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"If something  hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be
recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea,
trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail
in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives and the driver asks "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just  got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell
(Lockheed test pilot)

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Anagrams



> *
> PRESBYTERIAN*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> BEST IN PRAYER*
>
> *
> ASTRONOMER*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> MOON STARER*
>
> *
> DESPERATION*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> A ROPE ENDS IT *
>
> *
> THE EYES*:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> *THEY SEE*
>
>
> *GEORGE BUSH:*
> When you rearrange the letters:
> *HE BUGS GORE*
>
> *
> THE MORSE CODE*:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> *HERE COME DOTS*
>
>
> *
> DORMITORY*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> DIRTY ROOM*
>
>
>
> *SLOT MACHINES:*
> When you rearrange the letters: *
> CASH LOST IN ME*
>
>
> *
> ANIMOSITY*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> IS NO AMITY*
>
> *
> ELECTION RESULTS*:
> When you rearrange the letters: *
> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT*
>
> *
> SNOOZE ALARMS*:
> When you rearrange the letters: *
> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S*
>
> *
> A DECIMAL POINT*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> I'M A DOT IN PLACE*
>
>
> *
> THE EARTHQUAKES*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> THAT QUEER SHAKE*
>
>
> *
> ELEVEN PLUS TWO*:
> When you rearrange the letters:*
> TWELVE PLUS ONE*
>
>
>
> *MOTHER-IN-LAW*:
> When you rearrange the letters: *
> WOMAN HITLER*
> *
>
>
>

Monday, September 23, 2013

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


                Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter


                Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

                Really? Ya think?

                ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

                Now that's taking things a bit far!

                -----------------------------------------------------------

                Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

                What a guy!

                ---------------------------------------------------------------

                Miners Refuse to Work after Death

                No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

                ------------------------------------------------------

                Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

                See if that works any better than a fair trial!

                ----------------------------------------------------------

                War Dims Hope for Peace

                I can see where it might have that effect!

                ----------------------------------------------------------------

                If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

                Ya think?!

                -----------------------------------------------------------------------

                Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

                Who would have thought!

                ----------------------------------------------------------------

                Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide

                They may be on to something!

                ------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

                You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

                ----------------------------------------------------------

                Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge

                He probably IS the battery charge!

                -----------------------------------------------

                Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

                That's what he gets for eating those beans!

                ---------------- ---------------------------------

                Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

                Do they taste like chicken?

                ****************************************

                Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

                Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

                ***************************************************

                Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

                Boy, are they tall!

                *******************************************

                And the winner is....

                Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

                Did I read that right?

                ***************************************************

Friday, September 20, 2013

......"JUST LOOK UP!"





   
  
    
      
                              
                    THE  BUZZARD

 
If  you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8  feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird,  in spite of its ability to fly, will be an  absolute prisoner.
The  reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight  from the ground with a run of 10 to 12  feet.  Without space to run, as is its  habit, it will not even attempt to fly,but will  remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with  no top.
------------------------------------------
THE  BAT 


The  ordinary bat that flies around at night, a  remarkable nimble creature in the air,cannot  take off from a level place.
If  it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it  can do is shuffle about helplessly and,no doubt,  painfully, until it reaches some slight  elevation from which it can throw itself into  the air.
Then,  at once, it takes off like a  flash.
------------------------------------------
THE  BUMBLEBEE



A  bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will  be there until it dies, unless it is taken  out.  It never sees the means of escape at  the top, but persists in trying to find some way  out through the sides near the bottom.  It  will seek a way where none exists, until it  completely destroys itself.
------------------------------------------
PEOPLE


In  many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and  the bumblebee.  We struggle about with all  our problems and frustrations, never realizing  that all we have to do is look  up!
That's  the answer, the escape route and the solution to  any problem....
just  look up!


-------------------------------------------Sorrow  looks back,
Worry  looks around,
But  faith looks up!
Live  simply,
love  generously,
care  deeply,
speak  kindly, and
trust  in our Creator,
who  loves us.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE :



For  those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton,
 see what you missed. His humor was always clean 
and he was a great entertainer. A re-run of 
 great 'one liner's' from the man who was
 known for his clean humour.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT  MARRIAGE




1. Two  times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food  and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also  sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas  ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way  back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our  anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I  suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric  bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit  down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car  wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked  where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and  looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the  garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said,  "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of  divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name  was ' Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't  like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife  asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just  hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when  humor
didn't have to start with a four letter word.
It  was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the  words,

"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his  face.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Puns-R-Us



·  I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.· 

When chemists die, they barium.· 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.· 

A soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

·  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  
               He says he can stop any time.
·  How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.· 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  
          Then it dawned on me.

·  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.· 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.· 

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on
words.
· 

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.· 

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.· 

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.· 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.· 

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her
pupils?
· 

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.· 

What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four
seconds.
· 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit
me!
· 

Broken pencils are pointless.· 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A
thesaurus.
· 

 England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.· 

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.· 

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.· 


All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. 

Police say they have nothing to go on.· 

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.· 

Velcro - what a rip off!· 

Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.