Saturday, April 30, 2011

Fall of the British Empire

Watching the Royal Wedding and proceedings,

I finally began to

understand the unraveling of the British Empire.

Their vast armadas

used to control the seven seas.

Their colonies were all over the world

from Hong Kong, India,

Australia, a good part of Africa, Canada,

and yes even what is now much

of the United States.

How could they have lost so much ground​?

Remember the old movies with Errol Flynn

and others, when the hero

would have to dash off to the hinterlands,

declaring, “I must return to

my Regiment, in India(h).

Compare that with Willy leaving Kate

before the honeymoon, to return

to his RAF unit.

Now think back to old history lessons about

the American Revolution.

The Brits, hired Hessians to do a lot

of their fighting.

Why didn't the Brits do their own fighting?

Well!, re-read the paragraph

above. It appears the leaders of the British,

prefer to dash off, rather

than procreate more leaders.

This has caused a shortage of leaders and a

weakening of their gene pool.

Remember the two little “kisses” Willy

gave to his beautiful bride?

An American would have given her a real “liplock”

and I didn't see anyone kiss the bride.

That's one of the reasons I didn't attend the

royal wedding. Actually, my

invitation was apparently lost in the mail,

so Willie sent an RAF Mirage

over to fetch me.

However, as I told the pilot,

“I told Willie a fortnight ago,

I wouldn't attend if their was no kissing

of the bride, and besides I had a previous appointment—

to receive delivery of my breathing oxygen.

And that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Friday, April 29, 2011


1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job..

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.



You can tell that's really me, can't you............can't you

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Senior Personal Ads

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages''Florida newspaper: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,

and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy

I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Animal Antics

Need help cooking?

The proper way to lick the bowl

Why dogs bite

Fight night

The cat makes a left jab

But it's all over, Tweety gets another KO

What kind of drinker are you?

6 beers
2 glasses of wine?

2 bottles of wine - Shared of course?

too many margaritas?

3 Kamikazes?

7 rum & cokes?

1 large purple haze?

3 martinis?

1 bottle of tequila?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Don't mess with the Ladies

A woman's Place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):


Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.


When Women Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family..The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires...

Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked...

Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it


All Us Women