Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Sometimes in the course of human events,

something tugs at the heartstrings of even

a cynical old curmudgeon. Last night Gracie

and I went to the Golden Corral for an early

supper. I left my scooter at home , and was

just using my oxygen, with the tubes in my

nose. While walking up to the buffet, a little

girl about 3 feet tall, was running and

bumped into me. She looked up, beamed a

smile, and said, “Sorry, excuse me”. She then

ran on for a ways, stopped walked back and

beamed another smile, and said, “I hope you

get better.” Then was off again..................

 It made the sun shine a little brighter.

UPS Pilot Report

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. 

After every flight, 
UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics
about problems with the  aircraft. 

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. 

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on  back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably  loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Monday, October 29, 2012



Two  brooms were hanging in the closet and  
  after  a while they got to know each other so  
  well,  they decided to get married. 

One broom  was, of course, the bride broom,  
  the  other the groom broom. 

The bride broom  looked very beautiful in her  
  white  dress. The groom broom was handsome  
  and  suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was  

After the wedding, at the wedding  dinner, the 
  bride-broom  leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 
'I  think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'  

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.  

Are  you ready for this? 
Brace yourself; this is  going to hurt!  !!  !!  !  


............  ............  ..............
 Oh  for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least  groan.
Life's  too short not to enjoy... Even these  silly
....little  cute............. And clean  jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Sounds  to me like she's . . .been. . . sweeping around!!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Not Exactly as I Remember...

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little, er guy. ********************   Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread. ********************   Jack and Jill went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. ********************   Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon, 'Pies, you dummy !! ********************   Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. ********************   Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. ********************   Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. ********************   There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad... She got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car. ****************************************************** You have to be old enough to appreciate this. If you don't understand, it is because you are too young!!!      

Monday, October 22, 2012

Cuban Missle Crisis

Its been 50 years since the Cuban Missile Crisis and on this anniversary its brought back memories. At that time, I was Assistant Professor of Physiology at the Air Force Academy.

During those years, all cadets would graduate as navigators. The flying was done out of Lowry AFB in Denver. Pilots assigned to Lowry would fly the cadet navigation missions with Academy staff members flying as co-pilot to get in their monthly required four hours of flying time. After a few months, the Lowry operations designated me as a "passenger carrying pilot" (PCP) in the Convair T-29.

Of the several hundred pilots assigned from the Academy to fly at Lowry, only two of us were PCPs (a.k.a. aircraft commanders). We were in constant demand to help out the pilots at Lowry. It wasn't much of a burden and we could always decline, but the missions were normally for four hours at night and so they didn't interfere too much. We would normally go out in a flight of four or five, fly a predetermined course for the navigators, then after the destination fix, we would have a "rat race" to see who could get on the ground first. I used to win a lot of the races when we came in from the west over the Rockies, at 17,000 feet. Lowry wasn't very far from the base of the mountains, so the trick was to lose a lot of altitude quickly. Normal descents are usually at 500-1000 feet/minute, or rapid descent at 1500 ft./min. I found I could turn the plane up on one wing, power off stall, and descent in a tight spiral and lose altitude at 5-6000 ft./min., then roll the wings level and start flying again, at traffic pattern altitiude. Worked for me!
During the Cuban missile crisis in the Kennedy years, we had a cadet cross- country navigation mission. It was scheduled to coincide with and AFA-Miami football game, so there would be a small cheering section for the cadets. We terminated the navigation portion of our mission at 17,000 feet over Labelle omni station, near Fort Myers, and the race was on to Miami International. I left cruising power on and pushed the nose over and let the plane accelerate to the red-line (maximum airspeed). We went zipping past the other planes and didn' t level out until 500 feet above the Everglades. It looked like we had won, but at the last minute a T-29 went under us and popped up right in front of us and beat us in. I always wonder if maybe the other plane had picked up sawgrass in their air scoops. On the way home, after the Cuban crisis had been resolved, we were passing, one by one, over a radio reporting station and the operator said, "You Air Force guys did a nice job." He apparently thought we were combat planes.  We didn't correct him, and just said "Thanks", but we were proud of all those that averted that crisis.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Microwave effects

 Sitting in the Cardiologist's office getting my newly installed
pacemaker checked out, I recalled a long ago event.

In the early 1970's, I was the “token pilot” in the AF Systems Command Surgeon General's Office. One day at lunch, with my boss and several doctors, they were discussing the recently discovered problem of microwave

ovens on pacemakers. After listening for a few minutes I asked if the huge over the horizon radar right next to the New Jersey Turnpike could be a problem. For a few minutes, you could have heard a pin drop. Then, there

was a flurry of discussion ending up with a call to the School of Aerospace Medicine at Brooks AFB. The School had 6 dogs implanted with different pacemakers, which were immediately flown up and driven passed the radar site. Damn dogs died. However, they recovered once well out of range of the site.
My boss called me one night and just said “they all died” and I was to go brief a four star general, who would be expecting me. It was all pretty hush hush because that radar site was the only early warning system for incoming missiles along the entire east coast. This was still cold war time.
So, at 11:30 at night I briefed the general in his PJs. He thanked me and said 

he'd have to get dressed and go to the pentagon. The radar site was shut down that night. Uh ooh!!

Fortunately that wasn't the result. A couple weeks later, a man stopped by the radar site, and talked to the Captain that was in charge of the site. The man 

said his wife wore a pacemaker, and every time they drove by the huge radar, she would feel faint and the man wanted to know if the radar would effect the pacemaker. The Captain told him he didn't think so because the radar was shut down. Ahhhh safe.

My new pacemaker has a lot more protection, thankfully.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Subject: Fw: Friday Funnies - How kids perceive their grandparents . .


1.   She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of
her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her
lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to
kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again
without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me
how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a
towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a
trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I
don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to
test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell
me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she
headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some
of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in..  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no
use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a
little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said.      "How
do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to
'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic:      "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote:  "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?"
she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a
fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him
to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good
luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at
the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done
having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. b Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I
don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!b

15. b My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they
blame their dog.b

Monday, October 15, 2012

Puns For Lexiphiles

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Lexiphiles (i.e., "lovers of words" you know . . . . like . . ..
you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . . . or, I
wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . .. then it hit me . . . .etc.)

To write with a broken pencil is . . . .

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.