Bud's

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife
finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
calls it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding
night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and
cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for
the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay, let's get
started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is
because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big
controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why
are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in
case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two
choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go
back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we
won, let's eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother
says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Modern times

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

How Aspargus Got Its Name

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire
Bible. Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The
Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He
must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not
sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early
people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be
like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join
him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob
was more famous than his brother, Esau, because
Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore
a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real
name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel
Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,
and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was
the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the
battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing
a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named
Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that
doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but
I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was
born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn too, because my mom is always
saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a
barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact,
I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that
they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and even preached to some Germans on the
Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't
stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back
at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in
the book of Revolution.

(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this,
but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make
someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading

the laughter by sending it on!!)

Monday, May 13, 2013

English Language

I understand that comedian George Carlin's IQ equaled Einstein's, but he was wired for funny as opposed to Physics. Bet he’d have liked these. The English language is a darn enigma for sure.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to presentthe present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Friday, May 10, 2013

Jessie the chicken plucker

Jesse was a chicken plucker. That's right.

He stood on a line in a chicken factory and spent his days

Pulling the feathers off dead chickens so the rest of us

Wouldn't have to.

It wasn't much of a job. But at the time,

Jesse didn't think he was much of a person.

His father was a brute of a man.
His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill

And treated Jesse rough all of his life.

Jesse's older brother wasn't much better.
He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up.

Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in

West Virginia. Life was anything but easy.

And he thought life didn't hold much hope for him.
That's why he was standing in this chicken line,

Doing a job that darn few people wanted.

In addition to all the rough treatment at home, it seems

That Jesse was always sick. Sometimes it was real

physical illness, but way too often it was all in his head.

He was a small child, skinny and meek.
That sure didn't help the situation any.

When he started to school, he was the object

of every Bully on the playground.
He was a hypochondriac of the first order.
For Jesse, tomorrow was not always something

he Looked forward to.

But, he had dreams. He wanted to be a ventriloquist.

He found books on ventriloquism. He practiced with

Sock puppets and saved his hard earned dollars until

He could get a real ventriloquist dummy.

When he got old enough, he joined the military.

And even though many of his hypochondriac symptoms

Persisted, the military did recognize his talents and

Put him in the entertainment corp.
That was when his world changed.
He gained confidence.

He found that he had a talent for making people laugh,

And laugh so hard they often had tears in their eyes.
Yes, little Jesse had found himself.

You know, folks, the history books are full of people

Who overcame a handicap to go on and make a success

Of themselves, but Jesse is one of the few I know of

Who didn't overcome it. Instead he used his paranoia

To make a million dollars, and become one of

The best-loved characters of all time in doing it!

Yes, that little paranoid hypochondriac, who transferred

His nervousness into a successful career, still holds the

Record for the most Emmy's given in a single category.

The wonderful, gifted, talented, and nervous comedian

Who brought us Barney Fife

Was

Jesse Don Knotts.

NOW YOU KNOW, "THE REST OF THE STORY"

There is a street named for him and his statue in

Morgantown, West Virginia, his place of birth.

Jesse Donald "Don" Knotts (July 21, 1924 - February 24, 2006)