Sunday, November 16, 2014

Philosophy

Philosophers of this Century…

   ~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this
rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. 
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  ~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. 
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
  When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
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  ~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population
believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. 
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  ~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
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 ~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
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  ~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
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   ~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
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  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
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 ~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
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  ~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
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  ~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
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  ~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
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  ~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
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  ~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
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  ~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
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  ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm
just as happy as when I had 48 million. 
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  ~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
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  ~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
    ~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
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  ~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
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  ~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing
a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. 
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  ~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
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  ~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
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  ~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
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  ~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
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  ~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
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Sunday, November 2, 2014

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST




She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.


Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.


Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.


Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.


And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!








WOMEN'S REVENGE 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.


As she fumbled for her wallet
, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.


'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,


And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'



KEEP READING ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.









Understanding WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


I know I'm not going to understand women.


I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

And still be afraid of a spider.





LOTS MORE TO ENJOY...KEEP SCROLLING DOWN FOR A WHILE.







MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?






LOTS MORE TO LAUGH AT...





 
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..


The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.


He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..


She directs him down the correct aisle.


A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.


She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?


He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.


So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.


(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)







KEEP ON READING .





WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'






MORE AND MORE YET TO ENJOY.




 

WORDS


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...


30,000 to a man's 15,000.


The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
Repeat everything to men.... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'






KEEP ON GOING.






CREATION


A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be


So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.


'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.


God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;


God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !





SCROLL DOWN SOME MORE...







WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who


should brew the coffee each morning.


The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.


The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and


you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'


Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'




YEP, THERE IS SOME MORE...








The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.


Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00AM .'
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN...









God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece







Saturday, November 1, 2014

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." 
 
 
 
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
 
 
 
 
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
 
 
 
 
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place."

 
 
 
 
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
 
 
 
 
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
 
 
 
 
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
 
 
 
 
 
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
 
 
 
 
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
 
 
 
 
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
 
 
 
 
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
 
 
 
 
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
 
 
 
 
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
 
 
 
 
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be delighted."
 
 
 
 
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; 
come on in and get fed up."

 
 
 
 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
 
 
 
 
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
 
 
 
 
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
 
 
 
 
And the best one for last............
 
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

*Clean can be funny




        One day, a man came
home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
        'Tie me up,' she
purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'  So he tied her up and went
golfing.
       

                    
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house...
                   
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her  lungs, 'Honey, pack
your bags. I won the lottery!'
                   
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?'
                   
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

                   
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
                    

                   
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
                   
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
                   
The optician showed him a card with the letters  'C Z W I X N O S T A C
Z.'
                   
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
                   
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the  guy.'

                   
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell
you all something. We
                    
have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
                   
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.    'I'm so
tired of chardonnay..'

                   

                   
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.
                   
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
                   
butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
                   
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
                   
butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
                   
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
                   
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
                   
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
                   
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
                   
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt!  USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!'
                   
The wife stared at him.
                   
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?'
                   
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.'
                 


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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
                   
mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
                   
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
                   
him a comb.
                   
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
                   
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
                   
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
                   
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
                   
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51   years. 

                   
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