* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay, let's get started."
*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote; The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading