Thursday, April 17, 2014

How are you Doing?


Life has it's ways of turning around...


There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man…and then my dog bit me."
"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!.... 

But shoot... enough about me... how are you doing?”

Monday, April 14, 2014

The captions are priceless]


I hate it when he plays " Mount Everest .."


Menopause sucks.




Who the heck is "Sugar Lips?"


Those brownies were Far Out!!




NO! We Don't want any Magazine Subscriptions!


There's a ringer competing in the Hogtown Olympics.


I'm not Over-Weight, I'm Under-Height!!


You do have an odd perspective on things.




Lunchtime at the Corncob Cafe.


Okay, I caught him, now what do I do with him?


I hate this game.


Flight 'Hum-One' coming in for a landing.


Hi, I'm Celeste, I'll be your Aura-Concierge today.




Just act natural and blend in.


Where's my Coffee?


Whoo-o loves ya, Baby?

*****************************************************
'
Life is better when you are happy, but life is best when

other people are happy because of you' 
 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Remember when?



  I'm older than dirt

 
  Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?' 
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.  'All the food was slow.' 

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
 
'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained. !  'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.' 

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it : 
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. 
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). 
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.  It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God.  It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...  

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.  Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
 
  
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
  
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.  He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

 

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive. 

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. 

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard. 

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. 

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.  


Older Than Dirt Quiz :
 
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about  
Ratings at the bottom. 

1.Candy cigarettes

2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes 
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles 

4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
  
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and stayed there until TV shows started again in the morning. ( there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters 
8. Howdy Doody 
9. 45 RPM records
 
10.Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever 

12. Blue flashbulb

13. Cork popguns 

14. Studebakers

15. Wash tub wringers 


If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older 
If you remembered 7-10  = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered
11-15 =You're older than dirt! 

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

~ Bill Gates ~


This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom.
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about
eleven things they did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1:  Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2:  The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3:  You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4:  If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5:  Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
They called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7:  Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now.  They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you thought you were:
So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8:  Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT.  In some schools, they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9:  Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
(Do that on your own time.)
Rule 10:  Television is NOT real life.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11:  Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you can read this...thank a Teacher.
If you can read this in English...thank a Soldier!
And for life and everything else you have...thank God!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Smile Cowboy

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

‘Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'




Friday, April 4, 2014

Prosecutors or persecutors?

I think it's time for Congress to take action to prevent prosecuting attorneys from penalizing innocent people for the misdeeds of corporate America. As just a few examples, Toyota, General Motors, General Electric, Bank of America and a host of other banks, have been fined billions of dollars for their misdeeds. The people committing these deeds are not punished, instead their stockholders and people investing in their hard earned dollars in 401k plans are fined. In a number of cases, the perps are even given bonuses. Our own Governor, escaped prosecution for his company's stealing from medicare. While he walked away with millions, his stockholders had to foot the bill. All this is happening while some Republicans want smaller government and less regulation of these vampires of our free enterprise system. Really?
Taxpayers are, of course, footing the bill for the investigation of the illegal acts. While prosecutors are obviously only interested in enhancing their own stature, and settle the suits for what ever the perps are willing to pay, using other people's money. This way they don't have to spend their time on a length trial.

OK! Representative Posey, Here's a chance for you to shine. Fix it.