Friday, May 31, 2013

Signs




Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?




Thursday, May 30, 2013

A Poem Worth Reading



He was getting old and paunchy

And his hair was falling fast,

And he sat around the Legion,

Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in

And the deeds that he had done,

In his exploits with his buddies;

They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors

His tales became a joke,

All his buddies listened quietly

For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,

For ol' Joe has passed away,

And the world's a little poorer

For a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many,

Just his children and his wife.

For he lived an ordinary,

Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,

Going quietly on his way;

And the world  won't note his passing,

'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,

Their bodies lie in state,

While thousands note their passing,

And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories

From the time that they were young

But the passing of a Soldier

Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution

To the welfare of our land,

Some jerk who breaks his promise

And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow

Who in times of war and strife,

Goes off to serve his country

And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend

And the style in which he lives,

Are often disproportionate,

To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,

Who offered up his all,

Is paid off with a medal

And perhaps a  pension, small.

It is not the politicians

With their compromise and ploys,

Who won for us the freedom

That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,

With your enemies at hand,

Would you really want some cop-out,

With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier

His home, his country, his kin,

Just a common Soldier,

Who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier,

And his ranks are growing thin,

But his presence should remind us

We may need his likes again.

For when countries are in conflict,

We find the Soldier's part

Is to clean up all the troubles

That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor

While he's here to hear the praise,

Then at least let's give him homage

At the ending of his  days.

Perhaps just a simple headline

In the paper that might say:

"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,

A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."



God Bless America
And those that protect her..

 

 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

English Language (Glorious insults)



These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to four-letter words.

· A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

· "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

·"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

· "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn't it." - Groucho