Tuesday, May 14, 2013

How Aspargus Got Its Name

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire 
Bible. Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there 
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The 
Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He 
must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were 

naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors 
hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, 
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not 
sure what they were driven in though, because they 
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother 

as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early 
people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be 
like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was 

a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. 
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some 
animals on it. He asked some other people to join 
him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob 

was more famous than his brother, Esau, because 
Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some 
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore 
a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real 
name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel 
Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh 
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. 
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, 
and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. 

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. 
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or 
covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy 
father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was 

the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the 
battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing 

a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named 
Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that 
doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league 

prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was 
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the 
There were also some minor league prophets, but 
I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. 

Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was 
born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been 
born in a barn too, because my mom is always 
saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a 
barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, 
I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with 

sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. 
Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The worst one 
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that 
they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards 

and even preached to some Germans on the 
Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put 
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't 
stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back 

to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back 
at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in 
the book of Revolution.

(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, 

but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make 
someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading
the laughter by sending it on!!)

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