Thursday, May 16, 2013

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians:

*  A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,  "Are you 
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good  living."

*  I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my  mother-in-law to
the  airport.

*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If  my wife
finds  out, she'll kill me!

*  Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be  reporting it.
The  thief spends less than my wife  did.

*  We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.

*  My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife
calls it  the Dead Sea .

*  My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our  wedding
night. This  time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom  and 

*  My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for
the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two  days. Then
the mud  fell off.

*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man  couldn't pay his
bill,  so the doctor gave him another six  months.

*  The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your  check came
back."  Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my  arthritis!"

*  Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"  Doctor: "See!
What  did I tell you?"

*  A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The  man asks,
"Doc, how  do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what  puzzles  me!"

*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't   answer!"

*  A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been
brought  here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay,  let's get 

*Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth  it.

*  Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want   to.

*The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish  women like
Chinese  food so much. The study revealed that the reason  for this is
because Won  Ton spelled backward is Not Now.  There  is a big
controversy on the  Jewish view of when life begins. In  Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not  considered viable until it  graduates
from law school.

Q  : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol  interferes with their  suffering.

*Q  : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess  horror movie?
A  : It's called, "Debbie Does  Dishes."

*Q  : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
A : They never  let anyone finish a  sentence.

*A  man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"  Not too
good,"  said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son  said, "Why
are you so  weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in  38 days."
The son said,  "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in  38 days? "
The mother  answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to  be full in
case you should  call."

*A  Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they  always had two
choices  for dinner - Take it or leave  it.

*A  Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother  he has a
part in  the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy  says, "I play
the part of  the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls  and says, "Go
back and tell the  teacher you want a speaking  part."

Q  : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his  wife?
A : Under  the vacuum cleaner.

Q  : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a  light bulb?
A :  (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.  I don't want to be a
  nuisance to anybody."

Short  summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill  us, we
won, let's  eat.

A  Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown  shirt for his
  birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown  one.  The mother 
says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you  like the blue  one?"

Did  you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish  mother on the
street  and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."  "Force
yourself," she  replied.

Q  : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a  Jewish mother?
A  : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets  go.

Q  : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because  Jewish women don't  like anything that isn't 20%  off

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