These are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has one meaning and the second sentence gives the phrase a whole new meaning. Pretty funny stuff!
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.