Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Things you should know to be a manager.

Things you should know to be a manager.
Want to be a manager? Here are four lessons

 Lesson 1: 
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to 
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 
> They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of 
> you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the 
> Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! 
> She's gone. 
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, 
> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of 
> Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone. 
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I 
> want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

> Moral of the story: 
> Always let your boss have the first say. 
Lesson 2
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you 
> and do nothing?' 
> The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a 
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
Moral of the story: 
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high 
Lesson 3 
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to 
> the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the 
> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my Droppings?' replied the 
> bull. It's full of nutrients.' 
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him 
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second 
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the 
> top of the tree. 
> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

> Moral of the story: 
> Bull S--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... 

> Lesson 4 
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird 

> froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 
> While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to 
> realize how warm he was. 
> The dung was actually thawing him out! 
> He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to 
> investigate...Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under 
> the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

> Moral of the story: 
> (1) Not everyone who s---ts on you is your enemy. 
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your friend. 
> (3) And when you're in deep s--t, it's best to keep your mouth shut! 
> Hope it brought a smile to your did mine.

                       Now you need words to put in employee evaluations.
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
Now go out and do it.

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