Friday, August 13, 2010

A lesson in History

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberalism.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the another animal for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it…Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.

1 comment:

  1. Gabriel wrote:
    gpa...Loved it. Keep up the good work.
    7/17/2010 12:28 PM EDT on
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    HeloPilot wrote:
    GREAT! Couldn't have been better! Who wants to go get a non imported beer without any limes or lemons in them? Shotgun cleaning optional.
    7/17/2010 2:43 PM EDT on
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    FastZ wrote:
    I'd buy you that beer gpa. Excellent way to look at things. After all, my husband always says "it's all about the beer".

    I suffered an alcohol related injury this week, from beer of course. There I was doing the wifely duty of loading the fridge with beer when my dryer buzzed. Now, being a good wife who believes it's important that my husband have non-wrinkled skivvies I stopped what I was doing, went to my room, grabbed some hangers (for the non-skivvies of course) and headed for the laundry room at a good clip. Halfway to the laundry room -BAM- I ran into that case of beer still sitting on the floor in front of the fridge with my right foot, breaking my baby toe. So for the last several days as I watched fully 1/4 of my foot turn many shades of blue and red I've had time to reflect on just what happened.

    And what did I learn? If I had followed my husband's words that "it's all about the beer" I would have made sure the beer was in the fridge BEFORE doing anything else.

    Lesson learned! :)
    7/17/2010 3:58 PM EDT on
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    CuCuCachoo wrote:
    (Q}What do you call a conservative who's lost his house and his job because he drank the koolaid and voted for Bush#2, Bush#1 and Reagan?
    (A) A democrat.....
    7/17/2010 5:29 PM EDT on
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    ALFRED-E-NEWMAN wrote:
    Ahh Ha Ha Hahahaha
    7/17/2010 6:19 PM EDT on
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    gpabud wrote:
    Fast, If you had imbibed that case of beer first, it would have been much lighter and wouldn't have busted your toe. Hope it heals quickly
    7/17/2010 7:37 PM EDT on
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    gpabud wrote:
    Killer and Cucu, Don't fret I'll find one for you guys, promise
    7/17/2010 7:38 PM EDT on
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    ALFRED-E-NEWMAN wrote:
    I have enjoyed your humor gpbud, feel free to make fun of any and all political parties as we need all tha laughter in this devine comidy called life that we can muster
    7/17/2010 8:25 PM EDT on
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    cbtengr50 wrote:
    Didn't catch this one until I went archives, great stuff...keep them coming. If we can't laugh at ourselves we shouldn't laugh at anything.
    7/20/2010 10:35 AM EDT on
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    cbtengr50 wrote:
    Everybody throws that kool-aid thing around, do we remember where it came from? I remember it well and there are a few more soldiers out there that really knows what that means. Not everyone drank it folks, they were made to. It's become too cliche for me.
    7/20/2010 10:39 AM EDT on
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