Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Martha Stewart's tips for rednecks


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard

before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler

to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed,

it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are

included in the will, it is still rude to

drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

1. When decanting wine, make sure that
you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle,
always hold it with your hands.


1. A centerpiece for the table should never
be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table,
no matter how good his manners are.


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
this is a job that should be done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not

a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay

bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is
 a social no-no, as they tend to detract
from a woman's jewelry and alter the
taste of finger foods.
 DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're

interested: "I've been wanting to go out

with you since I read that stuff on the

 bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time

she is expected back. Some will say

10:00 PM. Others  might say "Monday.."

If the latter is the answer, it is the man's

responsibility to get her to school on time.


1. Crying babies should be taken to the
lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters
on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.


1. Livestock is usually a poor choice
for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than

5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.

A leisure suit with a cummerbund and

a clean bowling shirt can create a

tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to

 socks and shoes for this special occasion.


1. Dim your headlights for approaching
vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and
the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop,

the vehicle with the largest tires does

not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty

hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the

road with a gas can, it is impolite to

ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling

in a funeral procession.

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