Friday, March 29, 2013

Alternate viewpoints



If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

  
"Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid"----John Wayne

Monday, March 25, 2013

The parrot is dead




At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........


LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE....

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep doodoo
."

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Romantic Poetry





THESE ARE ACTUAL ENTRIES FOR A
COMPETITION IN THE WASHINGTON POST WHICH ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE POEM WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I'm dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you're not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
but I only slept with you 'cause I was dis'd.

5. I thought that I could love no other,
---that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty...and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace:
But don't take the paper bag off of your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies.

9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
except for maybe, "Go to hell".

10.What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

IRISH COFFEE




An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice  on
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What tis Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went..'

I't wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid!

Just terrible, doctor!

''Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped
me clothes to tatters and took me there and then passionately  on the
tabletop!

T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!



Friday, March 15, 2013

Driving etiquette

Driving Etiquette
A woman is driving  at night on a narrow country road.  
At the same time, a man is  driving in the opposite
direction on that same road.
 



When they narrowly pass  each other at high speed, the
woman rolls down her window and loudly  shouts

Donkey!

Immediately the  man shouts back.

WITCH!

The man  laughs.
He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting
woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining
 
his  speed.






 

Moral of the  story: 

Men never listen and, when  they do, they don't understand
one word a woman  says.
 
 

 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Loving husband






After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic that he will soon be able to walk again.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Groaners



·I changed my iPod name to Titanic.  It's syncing now. 

·I tried to catch some fog.  I mist. 

·When chemists die, they barium. 

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 

·A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 

·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 

·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down. 

·I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words . 

·They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. 

·A dyslexic man walks into a bra . 

·PMS jokes aren't funny, period. 

·Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations. 

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz. 

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery. 

·I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

·What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds. 

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 

·Broken pencils are pointless.

 ·What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 ·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . 

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 

·I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 

·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. 

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 

·Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 

·Velcro - what a rip off! 

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer! 

·Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault. 

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

OH HELL ! .. Let's Offend Everybody !



Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans On Star Trek?
A . Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a
recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 's' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO! '

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...' A
southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in
the United States
 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Tale of two tales



STORY NUMBER ONE


Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago . Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie.' He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.
Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.
He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al 'Scarface' Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street . But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.
The poem read: 'The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.' 

STORY NUMBER TWO



World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.
He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrierLexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.
Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport inChicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.


So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?


Butch O'Hare was 'Easy Eddie's' son....

Senior Humor