Friday, April 5, 2013

To my mature friends

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was  really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the storm,  when a wave came up and
washed the old man overboard. They searched for days  and couldn't find him,
so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with  the promise that he
would notify her as soon as they found something. Three  weeks went by and
finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read:  Ma'am, sorry to inform
you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the  ocean. We hauled him
up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and  in it was a pearl
worth $50,000. Please advise. The old woman faxed back: Send  me the pearl
and re-bait the trap

A funeral service is being held for a woman who  has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying  the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is  actually alive! She lives
for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a  ceremony is held, and at
the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out  the casket. As they
carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,  'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old  lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her  what was wrong. She said, I
have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love  to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh  fruit and freshly ground
coffee. I said, well, then why are you crying? She  said, he makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then  makes love to me for
half the afternoon. I said, well, why are you crying? She  said, for dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert  and then makes
love to me until 2:00 am. I said, well, why in the world would  you be crying?
She said, I can't remember where I live!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many  decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and  adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a  week to play cards. One day they
were playing cards when one looked at the  other and said, now don't get
mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a  long time ... but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought,  but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared  at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally  she said, how soon do
you need to know?

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in  a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and  she said, ''Mabel, do you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'  Mabel answered, 'I have a
suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared  at it. Then she said,
'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know  where to find my
hearing aid.'

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never  liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and  the eyesight to tell the

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