Monday, November 12, 2012

Just plain old

*I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. 

> She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? 

> And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'! 

> *Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

> 'How old was your husband?' 

> '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me' 

> 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 

> She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' 

> *Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 

> 'And what do you think is the best thing 

> about being 104?' the reporter asked. 

> She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' 

> *I've sure gotten old, the elderly man sat thinking. 

> "I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 

> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes 

> I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 

> take 40 different medications that 

> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 

> Have bouts with dementia. 

> Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 

> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 

> I still have my driver's license. 

> *I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 

> so I got my doctor's permission to 

> join a fitness club and start exercising. 

> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 

> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, 

> by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. 

> *An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and 

> told her preacher she had two final requests. 

> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, 

> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 

> 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 

> 'Why Wal-Mart?' 

> 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week' 

> *My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

> *Know how to prevent sagging? 

> Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. 

> *It's scary when you start making the same noises 

> as your coffee maker . 

> *These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 

> 'For fast relief.' 


> Grant me the senility to forget the people 

> I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 

> the eyesight to tell the difference. 

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