Friday, November 23, 2012

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics (like
"legitimate rape") so we have decided to leave you.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the
other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially
to the people of the new country, the Enlightened States of America

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research.

You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 % of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama. And Louisiana.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You now get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 % lower than the Christian
Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti-war and
we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no convincing

We wish you success in Afghanistan and possibly Iran as well, but
we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of
all cheese, 90 % of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy (Yale,
Harvard, etc.) and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Berkeley, U of
Chicago, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs; 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists; Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale;
62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws;
44% say that evolution is only a theory;
53% claim that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and
61% of you crazies believe that you have higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good California weed, too. You can have the junk they
grow in Mexico.

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

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