Colonoscopies

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find AmeliaEarhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, inArkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

23 Adult Truths

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing. 

What is Celibacy?

 
 What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife  Lorraine listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Lorraine’sarm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
 

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...


 

AND Y'ALL THOUGHT I COULD NOT give  YOU A SMILE TODAY :>)

The Persecution of Zimmerman

Shocking! The behavior of the State Prosecutors in the Zimmerman trial. They produced no evidence that Zimmerman's did anything other that protect himself after a brutal beating. Their case was simply a litany of lies, distortions, omission of facts, and character assassination . They produced absolutely zero evidence to positively refute Zimmerman's story, Even the distraught mother, must have realized eventually, that only an idiot would believe the terrorized screams for help came from the one administering the beating. You just don't get so many lumps on the head by love pats and even the prosecutors should realize the beating showed no indication of stopping in Zimmerman's mind. The case should have never gone to court.

The ultimate evil of the prosecution was the slipping in of the manslaughter option for jurors. They hoped that they had created a demented image of Zimmerman and heartfelt sympathy for the grieving mother and that the jurors would bring back a verdict for a “lesser crime”, since they were not aware he would be put away for 30 to life, for defending himself.

I think God has a special place in hell to put prosecutors who sell their souls.

Lucky Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
 
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
 
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
 
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
 
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
 
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
 
And the golfer walks off.
 
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
 
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
 
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
 
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
 
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
 
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
 
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
 
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
 
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
 
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
 
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
 
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
  

Bible Story????????????

Eve chats with God.


“Lord, I have a problem.”
“What is it, Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I’m lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain. All in all he’ll give you a hard time, but he’ll be bigger and faster and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like playing cards and knocking a ball around.

“He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,” but what’s the catch?”

“Well,..... you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that Lord? “

“Well, since he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret ..... you know, woman to woman.”

The year is 1910

Just over one hundred years ago.  What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

**************************************************************************************************************
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, 

A dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a 

mechanical engineer about
$5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE

 EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many 

of which were condemned in the press
AND the government as 'substandard.'

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, 

and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from

 entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:
     1. Pneumonia and influenza
     2. Tuberculosis
     3. Diarrhea
     4. Heart disease
     5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada  was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't 

been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write 

and only 6 percent of all Americans had
graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available 

over the counter at the local corner drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion,

 gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates
the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect 

guardian of health'

Eighteen percent of households had at least one 

full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the 

ENTIRE U. S. A. !

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. 

Why men are such happy creatures . . .

Men Are Just Happier People  – 

What do you expect from such simple  creatures? 

Their last names stays put.  

The garage is all theirs.  

Wedding plans take care of themselves.  

Chocolate is just another snack..  

They can never be pregnant.  

They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.  

They can wear NO shirt to a water park.  

Car mechanics tell them the truth.  

The world is their urinal.  

They never have to drive to another gas station restroom 

 because this one is just too icky.  

They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn

 a  nut on a bolt.  

Same work, more pay..  

Wrinkles add character.  

A wedding dress costs $5000.. Tux rental is $100.  

People never stare at their chests when they're

 talking to  them.  

New shoes don’t cut,  blister, or mangle their feet.

They have one mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.  

They know stuff about tanks.  

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.  

They can open all their own jars.  

They get extra credit for the slightest act of 

 thoughtfulness.  

If someone forgets to  invite them, he or she 

can still be their friend.

Their underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.  

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.  

They almost never have strap problems in public.  

All their zippers are  in front.

They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.  

Everything on their faces stays its original color.    

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.  

They only have to shave their faces and  necks.

They can play with toys all their lives.  

They have one wallet and one pair of shoes -- 

one color  for all seasons.  

They can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.  

They have freedom of choice concerning

 growing a  mustache.

They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

 on  December 24 in 25 minutes. 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'. I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!' Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.

Play on Words

 Lexiphiles (i.e., "lovers of words" you know . . . . like . . ..

you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . . . or, I

wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . .. then it hit me . . . .etc.).

Well, here we go!.

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.