Saturday, September 22, 2012

Letter to the bank

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for  bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last  month.

By my calculations, three  nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the  arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the  automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I  admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for  seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account  $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your  bank.

My thankfulness springs from the  manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial  ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and  letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,  overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has  become.

From now on, I, like you, choose  only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments  will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your  bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at  your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE  under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an  envelope.

Please find attached an  Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight  pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows  about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of  his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the  mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience,  I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in  dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be  shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button  presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank  service.

As they say, imitation is the  sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field  even further.

When you call me, press buttons  as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see  me

#2. To query a missing  payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my  living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my  bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my  toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my  mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my  computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to  you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned  earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu  and to listen to options 1 through 10

#9. To make a general complaint  or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on  hold, pending the attention of my automated answering  service.

#10. This is a second reminder to  press* for English.

While this may, on occasion,  involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the  call.

Regrettably, but again following  your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up  of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever  so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble  Client

And remember:

Don't make old people  mad.
We don't like being old in the first  place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

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