Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound,
some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both
We never really grow up, we only
learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -
only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
They begin the evening news with
'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you
why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism. To steal from many
Buses stop in bus stations.
Trains stop in train stations.
On my desk is a work station.
I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
In filling out an application, where it
says, 'In case of emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR.
I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his
woman. Behind the fall of a successful
man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a
You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure
makes misery easier to live with.
There's a fine line between cuddling and
holding someone down so they
can't get away.
I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not so sure.
You're never too old to learn
To be sure of hitting the target,
shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from
a vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you
a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
Where there's a will, there are relatives
I'm supposed to respect my elders,
but at my age, its getting harder and
harder for me to find one now.