Monday, December 5, 2011


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, 

'How old was your husband?'   '98,'
she replied..  'Two years older than me'  

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 

'And what do you think is the best thing about being
104?' the reporter asked

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is 

you can hide your own Easter eggs

I've sure gotten old! 

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. 

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. 

Have bouts with dementia. 

Have poor circulation; hardly feel
my hands and feet anymore. 

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 

I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to 

join a fitness club and start exercising. 

I decided to take an aerobics class for
seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare
her will and told her preacher she had
two final requests. First, she wanted to
be cremated, and second, she wanted
her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.

'Why Wal-Mart?' 

'Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it
used to be. Also, my memory's not
as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? 

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the
same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff 

in my shopping cart says, 

'For fast relief.'


Grant me the senility to forget the people 

I never liked anyway, 

the good fortune to run into the ones
I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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