Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

 

Male logic

Male Logic (too true!!!)

It's no wonder men/women struggle to communicate.........

A wife asks her husband, "Could you

 please go shopping for me and buy 

one carton of milk

 and if they have avocados, get 6."

 A short time later the husband comes 

back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife 

asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons

 of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."

Men find the above all too obvious 

while women may have to go back 

and read it again (and again).

The Accident! (WHY I NO LONGER OWN A GOLF CART)

One day I accidentally overturned my cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course where we were living in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It’s Jack, and I’m OK thanks," I replied. "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart!" I said.

Aaah! Art

A thief in Paris planned to  steal some Paintings  from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got  past security, stole the  paintings, and made it  safely to his van.. However, he was captured  only two blocks away when  his van ran out of gas!!!! When asked how he could  mastermind such a crime  and then make such an  obvious error, he replied,  'Monsieur, that is the  reason I stole the paintings I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.' See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.... I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse

Women Drivers

Distracted Driving Incident   Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........     This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a   Woman  In a brand new Cadillac  Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror  Putting on her eyeliner.  I looked away  For a couple seconds...  to continue shaving And when I looked back she was  Halfway over in my lane,  Still working on that makeup.  As a man,  I don't scare easily.  But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped My electric shaver  Which knocked  The donut  Out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car  Using my knees against  The steering wheel,  It knocked  My Cell Phone  Away from my ear  Which fell  Into the coffee  Between my legs!  Splashed,  And burned  me (ouch) Ruined the damn phone, Soaked my trousers,  And disconnected an Important call.  Damn women drivers!

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics (like
"legitimate rape") so we have decided to leave you.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the
other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially
to the people of the new country, the Enlightened States of America
(E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research.

You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 % of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama. And Louisiana.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You now get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 % lower than the Christian
Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti-war and
we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no convincing
purpose.

We wish you success in Afghanistan and possibly Iran as well, but
we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of
all cheese, 90 % of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy (Yale,
Harvard, etc.) and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Berkeley, U of
Chicago, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs; 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists; Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale;
62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws;
44% say that evolution is only a theory;
53% claim that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and
61% of you crazies believe that you have higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good California weed, too. You can have the junk they
grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

Proof It's Necessary to Proofread

---

The young monk’s first day.

He is assigned to helping the other monks

in copying the old canons and laws of the

church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks

are copying from copies, not from the original

manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the

head abbot to question this, pointing out that

if someone made even a small error in the first

copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that

error would be continued in all of the subsequent

copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying

from the copies for centuries, but you make

a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath

the monastery where the original manuscripts

are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go

by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down

to look for him. He sees him banging his head

against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !

 

We missed the R !

We missed the R !

 

His forehead is all bruised and he is

crying uncontrollably. The young monk

asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...

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