Challenged Blonds

Christmas Stamps

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in Liverpool. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:  'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!' The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little runt on your lap!'

Merry Christmas to all

Serenity

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came

up to the very elderly widow and asked, 

'How old was your husband?'   '98,'

she replied..  'Two years older than me'  

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

 
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 

'And what do you think is the best thing about being

104?' the reporter asked

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is 

you can hide your own Easter eggs 



I've sure gotten old! 

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip

replacement, new knees, fought

prostate cancer and diabetes. 

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter

than a jet engine, take 40 different

medications that make me dizzy,

winded, and subject to blackouts. 

Have bouts with dementia. 

Have poor circulation; hardly feel

my hands and feet anymore. 

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 

I still have my driver's license. 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to 

join a fitness club and start exercising. 

I decided to take an aerobics class for

seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped

up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over.



An elderly woman decided to prepare

her will and told her preacher she had

two final requests. First, she wanted to

be cremated, and second, she wanted

her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.

'Why Wal-Mart?' 

'Then I'll be sure my daughters

visit me twice a week'



My memory's not as sharp as it

used to be. Also, my memory's not

as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging? 

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the

same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff 

in my shopping cart says, 

'For fast relief.'



THE SENILITY PRAYER : 

Grant me the senility to forget the people 

I never liked anyway, 

the good fortune to run into the ones

I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Bus Signs

 

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest  almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to  church in his life. Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"After I talked about ' Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery 'I remembered where I left me hat ."