Laws they don't teach in physics

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath  - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena- At any event, the people whose seats are furthestfrom the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Uh oh, another blonde joke.

      Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

      In order to keep the bank from repossessingthe ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home.'

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it.

      The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

      After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news..

      She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

      I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

      Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll
only be able to send her sister one word.

    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

    The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the
word'comfortable?'

    The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

      She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

God's Wife

1. A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.' ********************************************* 2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, 'I know all about Adoption, I was adopted..' 'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child. 'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!' ************************ ********************* 3. On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first- base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was 'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered  With a smile. 'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.' 'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his face... 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't Been up to bat yet.' *********************** ********************** 4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.' ********************************************* 5. An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December,  some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her: 'Are you God's wife?' *********************************************

Growing Old?

From: John Sent: Thursday, February 06, 2014 5:17 PM To: Undisclosed-Recipient:; Subject: Fw: Morning Smile Re Growing Old    I  called your house the other day and was told you were down at  your favorite biker bar with some friends. I wasn't sure  where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble  finding it. Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...  There is nothing like the feel of the sun on  your face and the wind in your hair, is there?                       Okay..here  it is. A test to see if your brain is still working. Which one do you think is the blonde?      Scroll  down.... Amazing, I did not see it  before..   The Blonde  is the one with the wrong leg  up.      That's OK, I did  not Pass the test  EITHER!     I  KNOW YOU MISSED THE BLONDE

100 MPH Goat

Two North Dakota good ol’ boys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" 

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." 

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." 

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. 

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. 

"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?" 

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . . headfirst into this here hole!!!!" 

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible . . . I had him chained to a transmission."   P.S. Don't feel bad if you didn't see it coming . . . Neither did the goat!

Why?

Why  do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the  back of the store to get their prescriptions while  healthy people can buy cigarettes at the  front? 

Why  do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a  diet coke?  

Why  do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens  to the counters?

Why  do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our  driveways and put our useless junk in the  garage?

EVER  WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but  darkens our skin?

Why  can't women put on mascara with their mouth  closed? 

Why  don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins  Lottery'? 

Why  is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why  is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do  'practice'?

Why  is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish  washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why  is the man who invests all your money called a  broker?

Why  is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush  hour?

Why  isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why  didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why  do they sterilize the needle for lethal  injections?

You  know that indestructible black box that is used on  airplanes?  Why don't  they make the whole  plane out of that stuff??

Why  don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why  are they called apartments when they are all stuck  together?

If  flying is so safe,   why  do they call the airport the terminal?



 We all need to smile  every once in a while.  


   OH you didn't smile - well how about this  one:

MALE LOGIC.....FLAWLESS

Critical Thinking At Its Best!     Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where's your Ferrari?

funnies