Why I Love Newspapers

Texas speeding ticket

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas.

One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding
vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near this, its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, Texas.


Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter . . .
"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down."
"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location."
"Fortunately, the Marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile
was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway
        77, south of Kingsville."

"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech."

"Sergeant Johnson, (his nameplate was fully visible) the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar.  It appears the filling is loose.

Also, the snap is broken on his holster."
Semper Fi

Slick Italian

An ITALIAN and an Irishman entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Irishman stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Irishman said to the ITALIAN, "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that." ITALIAN replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing." So they went to the counter and the ITALIAN said to the shopkeeper, "Do you want to see magic?" The shopkeeper replied, "Yes." The ITALIAN said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The ITALIAN asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?" The ITALIAN replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate." You just CAN'T beat an ITALIAN...........

Bus humour

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me

with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog,

and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to

release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed my bottle of

Jack Daniels and poured a

little whiskey in its mouth. His

eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake

without incident and carried on

                                               fishing using the frog. 

A little later, I felt a nudge

on my foot. It was that snake,

with two more frogs.

To my mature friends

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was  really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the storm,  when a wave came up and
washed the old man overboard. They searched for days  and couldn't find him,
so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with  the promise that he
would notify her as soon as they found something. Three  weeks went by and
finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read:  Ma'am, sorry to inform
you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the  ocean. We hauled him
up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and  in it was a pearl
worth $50,000. Please advise. The old woman faxed back: Send  me the pearl
and re-bait the trap

A funeral service is being held for a woman who  has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying  the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is  actually alive! She lives
for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a  ceremony is held, and at
the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out  the casket. As they
carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,  'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old  lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her  what was wrong. She said, I
have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love  to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh  fruit and freshly ground
coffee. I said, well, then why are you crying? She  said, he makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then  makes love to me for
half the afternoon. I said, well, why are you crying? She  said, for dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert  and then makes
love to me until 2:00 am. I said, well, why in the world would  you be crying?
She said, I can't remember where I live!


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many  decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and  adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a  week to play cards. One day they
were playing cards when one looked at the  other and said, now don't get
mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a  long time ... but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought,  but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared  at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally  she said, how soon do
you need to know?

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in  a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and  she said, ''Mabel, do you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'  Mabel answered, 'I have a
suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared  at it. Then she said,
'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know  where to find my
hearing aid.'


Grant me the senility to forget the people I never  liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and  the eyesight to tell the
difference.
 

More Maxine

Senior Cheer

Subject: Sister Mary Katherine

>> Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence. >> >> The Mother Superior said, 'Sister, this is a silent convent. You are >> welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until >> directed to do so.' >> >> Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years before >> Mother Superior said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 >> years. You may speak two words.' >> >> Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.' >> >> 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Mother Superior said, 'We will get you a better bed.' >> >> After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by >> Mother Superior. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.' >> >> 'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and Mother Superior assured her >> that the food would be better in the future. >> >> On her 15th anniversary at the convent, Mother Superior again called >> Sister Mary Katherine into her office. 'You may say two words today.' >> >> 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine. >> >> 'It's probably best,' said Mother Superior, 'You've done nothing but gripe >> since you got here.'