*Clean can be funny

        One day, a man came
home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
        'Tie me up,' she
purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'  So he tied her up and went
golfing.
       

                    
*****************************************

                   
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house...
                   
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her  lungs, 'Honey, pack
your bags. I won the lottery!'
                   
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?'
                   
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

                   
********************************************

                   
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
                    

                   
*************************************

                   
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
                   
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
                   
The optician showed him a card with the letters  'C Z W I X N O S T A C
Z.'
                   
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
                   
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the  guy.'

                   
******************************************

                   
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell
you all something. We
                    
have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
                   
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.    'I'm so
tired of chardonnay..'

                   

                   
********************************************

                   
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.
                   
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
                   
butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
                   
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
                   
butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
                   
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
                   
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
                   
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
                   
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
                   
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt!  USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!'
                   
The wife stared at him.
                   
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?'
                   
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.'
                 

********************************************************

                   
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
                   
mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
                   
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
                   
him a comb.
                   
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
                   
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
                   
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
                   
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
                   
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51   years. 

                   
*******************************************
                   

> Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their
> > yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since
> > they were starting to smell,
> > brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
> >  odor.
> > Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
> > married.
> > Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
> > The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean
> > water,
> > Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally
> > the children.
> > Last of all the babies.
> > By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
> > someone in it.
> > Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with
> > the bath water!"
> > Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
> > wood underneath.
> > It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
> > cats and other small animals
> > (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
> > When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
> > would slip and fall off the roof.
> > Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and
> > dogs."
> > There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
> > house.
> > This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and
> > other
> >  droppings
> > Could mess up your nice clean bed.
> > Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
> > afforded some protection.
> > That's how canopy beds came into existence.
> > The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
> > than dirt.
> > Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
> > slate floors that would get slippery
> > In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the
> > floor to help keep their footing..
> > As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when
> > you opened the door,
> > It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
> > placed in the entrance-way.
> > Hence: a thresh hold.
> > (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
> > In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
> > kettle that always hung over the fire.
> > Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
> > They ate mostly vegetables
> > And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for
> > dinner,
> >  leaving leftovers
> > In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
> > next day.
> > Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite
> > a while.
> > Hence the rhyme:
> > Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the
> > pot nine days old."
> > Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
> > special.
> > When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to
> > show off.
> > It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
> > the bacon."
> > They would cut off a little to share with guests
> > And would all sit around and chew the fat.
> > Those with money had plates made of pewter.
> > Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
> > onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
> > This happened most often with tomatoes,
> > so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered
> > poisonous.
> > Bread was divided according to status..
> > Workers got the burnt
> >  bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
> > and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
> > Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
> > The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a
> > couple of days.
> > Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
> > prepare them for burial
> > They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
> > and the family would gather around
> > and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
> > Hence the custom; holding a wake."
> > England is old and small and the local folks started running
> > out of places to bury people.
> > So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
> > bone-house, and reuse the grave.
> > When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found
> > to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they
> > had ben burying people alive.
> > So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead
> > it through the coffin and up
> >  through the ground and tie it to a bell.
> > Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
> > (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone
> > could be,
> > saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead
> > ringer."
> > And that's the truth.
> > Now, whoever said history was boring!!!
> > So get out there and educate someone!
> > Share these facts with a friend.
> > Smile, it gives your face something to
do! 

THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT

THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982 The Magic Bank Account Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use.  However, this prize has rules: The set of rules: 1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you. 2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.  3. You may only spend it. 4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day. 5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, "Game Over!". It can close the account and you will not receive a new one. What would you personally do? You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right? ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL ... Shocked ??? YES! Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can't seem to see it. The PRIZE is *TIME* 1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 secondsas a gift of life. 2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is Not credited to us. 3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost. 4. Yesterday is forever gone. 5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING... SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds? Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars.  Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think. So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life! Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start "spending"....  "DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD...!" SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE!

Missing Wife

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing: Husband : - I've lost my wife.  She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant : - What is her height ? Husband: -  Gee, I really never noticed.  Maybe about five feet tall. Sergeant : - Build? Husband: -  Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : - Color of eyes? Husband : -  Never noticed. Sergeant : -  Color of hair? Husband : -  Changes a couple times a year . .. . maybe red. Sergeant : - What was she wearing? Husband: -   Could have been a skirt or shorts.  I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant : -  Did she go in a car? Husband : -  No, she went in my truck. Sergeant : - What kind of truck was it? Husband : -  Brand new Ford F150 with Eco-boost V6 engine special ordered with manual transmission.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed.  Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's.  Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.……at this point the husband started tearing up and almost cried. Sergeant: - Don't worry Bubba.......We’ll find your truck.

My friend

One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim , a short, balding golfer type about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch.
When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate. 

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Jim added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.
I couldn't take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other guys couldn't believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned. 

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim . I lunched on white meat tuna.. 
He ordered a parfait. I smiled. He asked if he amused me.  
I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?" 

He laughed and said "I'm tasting all that is Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I haven't been this old before. So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored.. 

"I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

"There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.   

"I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
"I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. 

"I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.  

"So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!"

Politically correct ways of saying someone's stupid:

1) A few clowns short of a circus.  
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.  
3) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.  
4) All foam, no beer.  
5) The butter has slipped off his pancake.  
6) The cheese slid off his cracker.  
7) Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.  
8) Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.  
9) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.  
10) He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Wisdom?

Smiles

Children Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off 

ARE YA READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?????!!!!!!!

Ohio  State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Georgia Tech freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the N C State football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Mississippi football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
___________________________________________

What do you say to a Duke University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three University of North Carolina football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Wake Forest University football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the East Carolina University linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Florida football player’s life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

__________________________________________

Why are there no Nativity scenes on the FSU campus?

They can't find three wise men and a virgin.