Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me".

Getting Old..............

You're getting old when you don't care where your 
Spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
Every man.  Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
Go anywhere.

Old age is when you have stopped growing at both 
Ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Old age is having a choice of two temptations and 
Choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to 
Slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow 
Older, it will avoid you.

The big chill

Now that's cold

GREAT Statements

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and  three or more is a congress. -- John Adams 2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain 3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain 4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill 5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw 6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy 7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) 8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich   people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University 9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian 10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850) 11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986) 12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers 13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke 14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764) 15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.) 16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866) 17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous 18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan 19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill 20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain 21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) 22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain 23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995) 24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson 25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop

Humor for the Day and Then Some

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'  'It is!'  'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'  'I can!' 'Do you know a Vince O'Neill?'  'I do!'  'Is he a member of your congregation?'  'He is!'  'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'  'He will.'  Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'  Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.  'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.  The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..  'Who are you?' he asked him..  'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.  'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..  'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.  'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.  The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..    Marriage Humour  Wife:    'What are you doing?'    Husband:     Nothing.  Wife:    'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'  Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'    -------------------------------  Wife :   'Do you want dinner?'    Husband:  'Sure! What are my choices?'  Wife:     'Yes or no.'      --------------------------------------------------------   Stress Reliever  Girl:  'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'    Boy:  'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'    Girl:  'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'  ------------------------------  Son:  'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'    Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'    Son:  'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'  ______________________________    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'    ------------------------------------------------------------  A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'  ___________________________________ Husbands are husbands  A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Learn something every day!

What Is The Main Ingredient of WD-40?  Before you read to the end,
does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40?
No Cheating.....

WD-40 ~ Who knew!

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup.
I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had
spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for
some unknown reason).
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.  He was very
upset and was trying to figure out what to do....
probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean
it off.
It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his
paint job that was on the truck. I was impressed!

WD-40 who knew?  "Water Displacement #40".
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent
and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953,
by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.
Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'Water
Displacement' Compound.  They were finally successful for a
formulation, with their 40th attempt, thus WD-40.
The 'Convair Company' bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas
missile parts.  Ken East (one of the original founders) says there
is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it.  It's the first
thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.  If yours is
plastic, it works just as well as on glass.  It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stove-top.  It's now shinier than it's ever
been.  You'll be amazed.

WD-40 Uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.

2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.

3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.

4. Gives floor that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps the flies off of Cows, Horses, and other Farm Critters,
as well. (Ya gotta love this one!!!)

6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors.
18. It removes that nasty tar and scuff marks from the kitchen
flooring.  It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have
to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Remove those nasty Bug guts that will eat away the finish on
your car if not removed quickly!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super
fast slide.
21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling
on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them
easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as
well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles
for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them
running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes grease splatters from stove-tops.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve
arthritis pain.
37. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from
grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the
Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and
you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot
cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that
purpose.  Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or
lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately
and stops the itch.
41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the
marks and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has
washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry,
saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The
lipstick is gone!
43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace
the moisture, allowing the engine to start.

P.S.
As for that Basic, Main Ingredient...Well... it's FISH OIL