THE CAT THAT WENT TO HEAVEN

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.' The cat thought for a minute and then said 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.' God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms ! If we could just have some little  skate board's, we would not have to run again.' God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful skate boards. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay ? How have you been doing? Are you happy ?' The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious !' Hey, we need a cute clean one and a non political one every once in  awhile.

Politics 101 - Introduction to Politics

This reminds me of poem sung during my

silly youth -- Birdie, birdie in the sky, drop

some whitewash in my eye;

Now, I'm not mad and I don't cry; I'm just

glad the cows don't fly.

In such way politicians are cows. Here are some more droppings to

appreciate.

| "Politics is the last resort of a scoundrel"

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?

That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown?

That is solution!!!

We hang the petty thieves and appoint

the great ones to public office.

~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics

are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

Politicians are the same all over.

They promise to build a bridge even

where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody

could become President;

I'm beginning to believe it.

~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light

at the end of the tunnel,go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes

from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,

by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

 The Democrats are the party that says government

will make you smarter, taller, richer,and remove the

crabgrass on your lawn.

And the Republicans are the party that says government

doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

~P.J. O'Rourke, American comedian

I offered my opponents a deal: "If they stop telling

lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down

your life for his country.

~Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics

is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the

city it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner,

gold medals 1924 Olympic Games in Paris)

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Variously attributed to Will Rogers and George Bernard Shaw

The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming fromOklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is inColorado . When we all left our home inOklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Churchand I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Subject:Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings. 

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

Always be cool and polite

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

Doggy days

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

> These are classified ads, which were actually placed in
 U.K. Newspapers: 
> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
> 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! 
> ___________________________________________ 
> FREE PUPPIES 
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog. 
> ________________________________________________ 
> FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered 
German Shepherd. 
> Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a
 single bound. 
> _______________________________________________________ 
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay 
bull for sale. 
> ________________________________________________________ 
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
> Must sell washer and dryer £100. 
> _____________________________________________________________ 
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. 
> Worn once by mistake. 
> Call Stephanie. 
> ___________________________________________________________ 
> And the WINNER is... 
> FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of
 Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 
> Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. 
> No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 
> (Statement of the Century) 
> 
> 
> ____________________________ 
> Children Are Quick 
> TEACHER: Why are you late? 
> STUDENT: Class started before I got here. 
> ____________________________________ 
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on
 the floor? 
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 
> __________________________________________ 
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
> (I Love this child) 
> ____________________________________________ 
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
> TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
> __________________________________ 
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
 that we didn't have ten years ago. 
> WINNIE: Me! 
> __________________________________________ 
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
> _______________________________________ 
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.' 
> MILLIE: I is. 
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
> ________________________________ 
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
 father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you
 know why his father didn't punish him? 
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. 
> ______________________________________ 
> TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
 prayers before eating? 
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
> ______________________________ 
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
 exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? 
> CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. 
> (I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
> ___________________________________ 
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who 
keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
> HAROLD: A teacher 
> __________________________________ 
> PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH 
> Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of
 the tunnel has been turned off. 
> 
> 

Gingham Dress

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such country hicks had no business at Harvard.

"We'd like to see the president," the man said softly.

"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked. "Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We would like to give a building to Harvard."

The president glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe they would leave.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own? " Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

--- A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes

1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.

Economic Stimulus

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go toIndia , Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Hondurasand Guatemala .. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan orKorea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go toTaiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in theU.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day ! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

A History Lesson

Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. 
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days..
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; holding a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone! 
Share these facts with a friend.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
"What the heck happened?" 
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.