Painting  the Church
     
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very

interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down

his paint to make it go a wee bit further .

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually

the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside

of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.   

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and  setting up the planks,

and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

turpentine.........   

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly

completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,

the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint

from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to

land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles

of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"   

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint!   And thin no more!"   
        
"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

Oh stop groaning.

Rational Thoughts

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let ' ​s ​

remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much

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faster now.

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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are

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holding a gun, she's probably angry.

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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?

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That's common sense leaving your body.

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I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated"

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gets thrown around in the courtroom.

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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row

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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.

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I feel much better saying I went to the Jim this morning

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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you

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find one, what's your plan?

BACK NINE.  

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.  

But, here it is - the 'back nine' of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that 'I was only on the first hole' and the 'back nine' was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.  

But, here it is . . . my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me, but, I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant, but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.  

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit!  

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did! But, at least I know, that though I'm on the 'back nine,' and I'm not sure how long it will last, this I know for sure, that when it's over on this earth it's over. A new adventure will begin!  

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.  

So, if you're not on the 'back nine' yet let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you're on the 'back nine' or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!  

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.   LIVE IT WELL!   ENJOY TODAY!   DO SOMETHING FUN!   BE HAPPY!   HAVE A GREAT DAY!   Remember, "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."  

LIVE HAPPY  

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:  

Your kids are becoming you, but your grandchildren are perfect.  

Going out is good, but coming home is better.  

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.  

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.  

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.   You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep.  

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..  

You tend to use more 4 letter words . . . "what?" . . . "when?". . . " ???  

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.  

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.  

Everybody whispers.  

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet 2 of which you will never wear.  

But Old is good in some things ~~~ Old Songs, Old Movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS  

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"  

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.  

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.  

INTERESTING!!

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.  A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy??
I think a retired English teacher was bored...  THIS IS GREAT! 
Read all the way to the end...
This took a lot of work to put together!
   
1)  The bandage was wound around the wound.2)  The farm was used to produce produce.

3)  The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4)  We must polish the Polish furniture.

5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8)  A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9)  When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10)  I did not object to the object.11)  The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12)  There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13)  They were too close to the door to close it.

14)  The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15)  A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16)  To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17)  The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18)  Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19)  I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20)  How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
   
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are animal organs.  We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand  UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to writeUP a report?  We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4^th of the page and can have UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so . . . it is time to shut UP!

The Back Nine

You        know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the        passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and        embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons        ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all.        I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is - the 'back nine' of my life and it catches me by        surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did        my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and        thinking that those older people were years away from me and that 'I was        only on the first hole' and the 'back nine' was so far off that I could        not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it        is . . . my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I        see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me,        but, I the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young        and vibrant . . . but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are        now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.        Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the        day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore . . . it's mandatory! Cause        if I don't on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for        all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do        things that I wish I had done but never did! But, at least I know, that        though I'm on the 'back nine', and I'm not sure how long it will last,        this I know for sure, that when it's over on this earth . . . it's over. A        new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I        wish I hadn't done . . . things I should have done, but indeed, there are        many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if        you're not on the 'back nine' yet . . . let me remind you, that it will be        here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in        your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long! Life goes        by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether        you're on the 'back nine' or not! You have no promise that you will see        all the seasons of your life . . . so, live for today and say all the        things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they        appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in        all the years past!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your        life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!

ENJOY TODAY!

DO SOMETHING FUN!

BE HAPPY!

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Remember, "It is health that is real wealth and        not pieces of gold and silver.

LIVE HAPPY IN 2014

LASTLY,        CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

~Your kids are becoming you . . . but your        grandchildren are perfect.

~Going out is good . . . Coming home is        better!

~You forget names . . . But it's OK, because other people        forgot they even knew you!

~You realize you're never going to be        really good at anything . . . especially golf.

~The things you used to        care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you        don't care to do them anymore!

~You sleep better on a lounge chair        with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".

~You miss        the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words . . . "what?" . . . "when?". . .        " ???"

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to        wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is        "sleeveless"!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .        . . 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some        things ~~~ Old Songs, Old Movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS.