Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases:

* "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

* " U. S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club"

* " U. S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

* "Stop Global Whining"

* "When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"  

* Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify.  

* "The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"  

* "Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"

* "Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

* "What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

* "Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

* "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

* "Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

* "It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

* "Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

* "One Shot, Twelve Kills - U. S. Naval Gun Fire Support"

* "My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

* "Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

* "A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

* "If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher... If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"

 

 

Quiz

There are only nine questions.
               
               This is a quiz for people who know everything!  
               These are not trick questions.  
               They are straight questions with straight answers. 
               I answered them all correctly, of course.
               
               1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor
 the participants know the  score or the leader until the contest ends.
               
               2. What famous North American landmark is constantly 
moving backward?  
               
               3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce 
on their own for several growing    seasons.  
All other vegetables must be replanted every year. 
What are the only two perennial vegetables?
               
               4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
               
               5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear
brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.  The pear 
is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't 
been cut in any way.  How did the pear get inside the bottle?
               
               6. Only three words in standard English begin with
 the letters ' dw' and they are all common words.  Name two of them.
               
               7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.  
               Can you name at least half of them?
               
               8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never
 sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
               
               9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your
 feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
               
               
               
               Answers To Quiz:
               
               
               1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor
 the participants  know the score or the leader until the
 contest ends: Boxing. 
               
               2. North American landmark constantly moving
 backward: Niagara Falls.  
               (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet
 each year because of the millions of gallons of water that
 rush over it every minute.)
               
               3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce 
on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb. 
               
               4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry. 
               
               5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? 
 It grew inside the bottle.  
               The bottles are placed over pear buds when they 
are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is
 left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears 
are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. 
               
               6. Three English words beginning with dw:
 Dwarf, dwell and dwindle... 
               
               7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: 
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, 
question mark, exclamation
point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.  
               
               8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, 
canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce. 
               
               9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet
 beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers,
 skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. 
               
               
              

Signs of the times

Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the 

English language became boiled down to  4-letter words.

A member of Parliament  to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either

 die on the gallows or of some unspeakable  disease."·

"That depends, Sir,"  said Disraeli, "whether I embrace 

your policies or your mistress."·

"He had delusions of  adequacy." -  Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues  I dislike and none of the vices

 I admire." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a  man, but I have read many

 obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow·

"He has never been known  to use a word that might

 send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner 

 (about Ernest Hemingway).·

"Thank you for sending  me a copy of your book; 

I'll waste no time reading it." -  Moses Hadas·

"I didn't attend the  funeral, but I sent a nice 

letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain·

"He has no enemies, but  is intensely disliked by

 his friends.." - Oscar Wilde·

"I am enclosing  two tickets to the first night 

of my new play; bring a friend, if you have

 one."  -  George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill·

"Cannot possibly attend  first night, will attend

 second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, 

in  response.·

"I feel so miserable  without you; it's almost 

like having you here." -Stephen Bishop ·

"He is a self-made man  and worships his

 creator." - John Bright·

"I've just learned about  his illness. Let's hope

 it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb·

"He is not only dull  himself; he is the cause

 of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson·

"He is simply a shiver  looking for a spine to

 run up." - Paul Keating·

"In order to avoid being  called a flirt, she

 always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand·

"He loves nature in  spite of what it did to 

him." - Forrest Tucker·

"Why do you sit there  looking like an envelope

 without any address on it?" -  Mark Twain·

"His mother should have  thrown him away 

and kept the stork." - Mae West·

"Some cause happiness  wherever they go;

 others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde·

"He uses statistics as a  drunken man uses

 lamp-posts... for support rather than

 illumination." -   Andrew Lang (1844-1912)·

"He has Van Gogh's ear  for music." - 

 Billy Wilder·

"I've had a perfectly  wonderful evening. 

  But this wasn't it." – Groucho Marx

Owls

To OWLS (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)  Wisdom  from Grandpa... Whether  a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the  kind of chick he marries. Trouble  in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he  forgets his sugar.  Too  many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.   When  a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they  try to decide which one.  If  a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,  she'll never turn into an old nag.  On  anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never  the present. A  foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin',  ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna work." Many  girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make  beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders. Eventually  you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start  bragging about it.  Some  people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to  know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the  roads weren't paved.  How  old would you be if you didn't know how old you  are? You know you are getting  old, when everything either dries up or leaks.   Old  age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,  they don't recognize you.  Have  a GREAT day and keep laughing! It's  good for the soul.  And remember my motto:   pay the undertaker with a bad  check...

Amen

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews  had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community,  so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious  debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in  Italy; if the  Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged
 and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian (or Latin),
 and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite
 each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and
 a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself
 beaten and said that the rabbi was

too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked
 him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to 
represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to
 remind me there is still only one God common
 to both our

faiths.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to 
show him that God was all around us. The

rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to
 show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and host to show that
 through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned
 for our sins,
but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me 
of the original sin."He bested me at every move and I could
 not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered 
to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi.

"First, he told me that we had three days to
 get out of  Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would
 be cleared of Jews but I told him
emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his
 lunch, so I took out mine.

(*_*)