Senior Humor

Seeing is Believing

Air Force 1 is now invisible            OOOOPS

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Computers

Teachers and Cops

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.  All teachers were reprimanded 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.  2. I would not allow this student to breed.  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.  4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.  (My favorite...)  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.  6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.  7. This child has been working with glue too much.  8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..  10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.  11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.  12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.  These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.  The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."  2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while."  3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."  4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."  5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."  (LOVE IT)  6. "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"  (MY FAVORITE)  7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"  8. "Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"  10. "Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."  11. "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."  12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)  13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"  14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."  15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail."  AND THE WINNER IS....  16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Why Teachers Drink

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons  A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. How is dew formed  A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on  A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections  A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you age  A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty  A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes  A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination  A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour  A. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)  A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                                                                Q. What is the fibula?  A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean?  A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control  A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'  A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure?  A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?  A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant) Q. What is a turbine?  A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.  A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'  The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'  One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'  A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said.  'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted,  'Cause your feet ain't empty.'   The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

Today's smiles

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** At aoProctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************************** On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On aoMaternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."

The Good Wife...

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis
were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so snowplows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park
on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are
married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you
just leave the car in the garage this time?"

Humorous & Legal

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters . ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? WITNESS:     My name is Susan!  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active? WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS:     I forget.. ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS:     We both do. ATTORNEY:  Voodoo? WITNESS:     We do.. ATTORNEY:  You do? WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________  ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.  ___________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS:     Getting laid.  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls? WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS:     By death.. ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS:     Take a guess.  ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual? WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female? WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________  ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.  ______________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS:     Oral...  _________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?  ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing? WITNESS:     No.. ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.