Bud's

Monday, October 24, 2011

Holy Humor

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story

of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw

a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding,

what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the

hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think

Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young

class memorize one of the most quoted passages in

the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a

month to learn the chapter.   Little Rick was excited

about the task - but he just couldn't remember the

Psalm.   After much practice, he could barely

get past the first line.   On the day that the kids

were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of

the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.   When

it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and

said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and

that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that

her father always paused and bowed his head

for a moment before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey,

" he began, proud that his daughter was so

observant of his messages. "I'm asking the

Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy,

"So your mother says your prayers for you each

night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers ,

she would bless every family member, every friend,

and every animal (current and past). For several

weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer,

Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became

part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My

curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli,

why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their

prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner

at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around

the table as the food was being served. When Little

Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

    "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said

his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of

course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a

prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house."

Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and

she knows how to cook.

PARAPROSDOKIANS

  I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:

 "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or

phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a

humorous situation."

 "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of

paraprosdokian.    ie clever saying

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his

level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

   3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people

appear bright until you hear them speak.  

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.  

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.  

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.  

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is

not putting it in a fruit salad.  

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and

then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from

many is research.  

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a

train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted

paychecks.  

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In

case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'  

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.  

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down

the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think

they are sexy.  

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the

fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

  16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.  

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.  

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need

a parachute to skydive twice.  

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.  

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they

can't get away.  

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.  

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.  

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever

you hit the target.  

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.  

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than

standing in a garage makes you a car.  

27, A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in

such a way that you look forward to the trip.  

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when

you wish they were.  

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon,

and a shot of tequila.  

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that

the Fire Department usually uses water.   

31. Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm,

but the second mouse gets the cheese." 

Friday, October 21, 2011

Notes from the sage and me.

Food for thought.

  Warren Buffett, in a recent interview with CNBC, offers one of the

best  quotes about the debt ceiling:  "I could end the deficit in 5

minutes," he told CNBC. "You just pass a law  that says that

anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP, all  sitting

members of Congress are ineligible for re-election. The 26th 

amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds) took only

3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple! The people

demanded it. That was in 1971...before computers, e-mail, cell

phones, etc. Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7)

took 1 year or less to become the law of the land...all because of

public pressure.  Warren Buffet is asking each addressee to forward

this email to a minimum of  twenty people on their address list; in

turn ask each of those to do  likewise. In three days, most people in

The United States of America will have the  message. This is one

idea that really should be passed around.  *Congressional Reform

Act of 2011*  1. No Tenure / No Pension. A Congressman collects

a salary while in office  and receives no pay when they are out of

office.   2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social

Security. All  funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to

the Social Security  system immediately. All future funds flow into

the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the

American people. It may not be used for  any other purpose.  3.

Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all

Americans do.   4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay

raise. Congressional pay  will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.   5.

Congress loses their current health care system and participates in

the  same health care system as the American people.   6. Congress

must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American 

people.   7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are

void effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this

contract with Congressmen. Congressmen  made all these contracts

for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The

Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should

serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.

And here's my 2 cents.

Wages  

Salary of retired US Presidents .............$450,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of Speaker of the House .............$223,500 FOR LIFE

 Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders .....$193,400 FOR LIFE

  Average salary of a soldier DEPLOYED IN

Afganistan- $38.000

 Average income for seniors on

SOCIAL SECURITY - $12,000  

"nuff said"

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Morning Smiles

Life really boils down to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog.....?

OR...

2. Should I have children?

No matter what situations life throws at you...

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..

Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You're laughing aren't you?

That's good 'cause my job here is done!

Have a great day and remember to give thanks....

Cats are so dramatic!!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Old folks

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
*****************************************


First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
(ADORABLE)
*********************

And this final one especially for me......
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Maxine's Health Message

HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I

rapidly realised that I don't really give a damn. It's the

tortoise live for me.

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman

would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is

fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450

years.

And you tell me to exercise??? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Inner Peace

This is so true

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and  boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every  day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved  ones are too busy to

give you any time.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...