Punctuation

A Bit of Wisdom

There's a time for everything

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts ofRomini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.   When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"But, there is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father.  That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder  Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to  look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the  upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes  first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe  Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"  Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom,  too..."
4. Torrin Polk, University of  Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets  us wear earrings.."
5. Football  commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be  called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball  player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no  matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a  FloridaState football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.."  And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would  anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not  Princeton "
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago  Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above  his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my  clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing  trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a  guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it  is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina  State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared  nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm  going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room
 temperature in January)
12. Frank  Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is  it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I  don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf,  basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who  received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much  time on one subject."
14. In the words  of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am  amphibious.
15. AmarilloHigh School  and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on  all the
road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss  good-bye."

 

Advice for 2014

 

Rather than make any resolutions this year, I am giving advice, actually, just passing it along from an old farmer. Best wishes for 2014.

Advice from An Old Farmer ~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled. Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. Don’t judge folks by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

Twenty helpful hints

Mature Folks

At last a smart blonde

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. 
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the
bed, sweating and panting.  'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband. 
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, 
her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty
Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the
bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure

enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 

'You

heartless

Bitch', she screams. 
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked,
playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

50 Shades of Grey...

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.  Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,  firewood gathered, and  dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
                                                        
"Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
                                                        
"Well, I've been here since last night.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked,  'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey...

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!  She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I  did.
                                                          
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
                                                          
So, Here I am!

General David Petraeus

          Gen. Petraeus about our military today
              

            I remember the day I found out I got into West Point.  My mom actually showed up in the hallway of my high school and waited for me to get out of class.  She was bawling her eyes out and apologizing that she had opened up my admission letter.  She wasn't crying because it had been her dream for me to go there.  She was crying because she knew how hard I'd worked to get in, how much I wanted to attend, and how much I wanted to be an infantry officer.
            

            I was going to get that opportunity.  That same day two of my teachers took me aside and essentially told me the following:
            "David, you're a smart guy.  You don't have to join the military.  You should go to college, instead."
            

            I could easily write a theme defending West Point and the military as I did that day, explaining that USMA is an elite institution, that separate from that it is actually statistically much harder to enlist in the military than it is to get admitted to college, that serving the nation is a challenge that all able-bodied men should at least consider for a host of reasons, but I won't.
            

            What I will say is that when a 16 year-old kid is being told that attending West Point is going to be bad for his future then there is a dangerous disconnect in America, and entirely too many Americans have no idea what kind of burdens our military is bearing.
            

            In World War II, 11.2% of the nation served in four (4) years.
            

            During the Vietnam era, 4.3% served in twelve (12) years.
            

            Since 2001, only 0.45% of our population has served in the Global War on Terror.
            

            These are unbelievable statistics.  Over time, fewer and fewer people have shouldered more and more of the burden and it is only getting worse.
            

            Our troops were sent to war in Iraq by a Congress consisting of 10% veterans with only one person having a child in the military. Taxes did not increase to pay for the war.  War bonds were not sold.  Gas was not regulated.  In fact, the average citizen was asked to sacrifice nothing, and has sacrificed nothing unless they have chosen to out of the goodness of their hearts.
            

            The only people who have sacrificed are the veterans and their families.  The volunteers.  The people who swore an oath to defend this nation.  You stand there, deployment after deployment and fight on.  You've lost relationships, spent years of your lives in extreme conditions, years apart from kids you'll never get back, and beaten your body in a way that even professional athletes don't understand.
            

            Then you come home to a nation that doesn't understand.  They don't understand suffering.  They don't understand sacrifice. They don't understand why we fight for them.  They don't understand that bad people exist.  They look at you like you're a machine - like something is wrong with you.  You are the misguided one - not them.
            

            When you get out, you sit in the college classrooms with political science teachers that discount your opinions on Iraq andAfghanistan because YOU WERE THERE and can't understand the macro issues they gathered from books, because of your bias.
            

            You watch TV shows where every vet has PTSD and the violent strain at that.  Your Congress is debating your benefits, your retirement, and your pay, while they ask you to do more. But the amazing thing about you is that you all know this.  You know your country will never pay back what you've given up.  You know that the populace at large will never truly understand or appreciate what you have done for them.  Hell, you know that in some circles, you will be thought as less than normal for having worn the uniform.  But you do it anyway.
            

            You do what the greatest men and women of this country have done since 1775.  YOU SERVED.  Just that decision alone makes you part of an elite group.
            

            "Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few."  -Winston Churchill-  Thank you to the 11.2% and 4.3% who have served and thanks to the 0.45% who continue to serve our Nation.
            

            General David Petraeus
            West Point Class 1974