ARAPROSDOKIANS

ARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of
speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising
or unexpected; frequently humorous.
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my
desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Finally:

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder
for me to find one now. 

Lost my Glasses

---

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.  

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 68 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." 

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Subject: What love means......

What Love means to a 4-8 year old...


Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.

Touching words from the mouth of babes..


A group of professional people posed this question

to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,

'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper

than anyone could have imagined

See what you think:



'When my grandmother got arthritis ,

she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore..

So my grandfather does it for her all the time,

even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8


'When someone loves you , the way they say

your name is different

.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4


'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and

a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out

and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5


'Love is when you go out to eat and give

somebody most of your French fries without

making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6


'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4


'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for 

my daddy and she takes a sip before giving

it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7


'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when

you get tired of kissing, you still want to be

together and you talk more. My Mom and

Daddy are like that. 

They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8


'Love is what's in the room with you at

Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)


'If you want to learn to love better, you should

start with a friend who you hate, '

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)


'Love is when you tell a guy you like

his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7


'Love is like a little old woman and a little

old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6


'During my piano recital, I was on a stage

and I was scared. I looked at all the people

watching me and saw my daddy waving

and smiling. 

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't

scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8


'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6


'Love is when Mom gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5


'Love is when Mom sees Daddy smelly

and sweaty and still says he is handsomer

than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even

after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4


'I know my older sister loves me because she

gives me all her old clothes and has to go out

and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4


'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up

and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7


'Love is when Mom sees Daddy on the toilet and

she doesn't think it's gross..'

Mark - age 6


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you

mean it. But if you mean it you should say

it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four-year-old child whose

next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into

the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap,

and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to

the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Wine Guide

How Adam got Eve

How Adam Got Eve Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.    So God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion   And that it would be a woman. He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,   And when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.      She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you.    She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!    She will bear your children,       And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.   'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and   Passion whenever you need it.'   Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like that cost?' God replied 'An arm and a leg.'    Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?' Of course the rest is history............!!!!

Perspective

Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

>>When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
>>
>>Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
>>
>>On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, 
>>
>>"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
>>
>>Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
>>
>>Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."