The Indian

There once was an Indian who had only one testicleand whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

 

 

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

Cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone

Again, I will kill them!"

 

 

The word got around and nobody called 

Him that any more.

 

 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

Forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

The forest where he made love to her all day and

All night. He made love to her all the next day, 

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

 

 

The word got around that Onestone meant what 

He promised he would do.

Years went by and no

One dared call him by his given name until a woman  

Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

Away. Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was

Overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

And said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

 

 

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,  

Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

Night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

Her all the next night, butYellowBird wouldn't die!

 

 

 

Why ???

 

 

 

 

OH, come on . Take a guess !!!

 

 

 

 

Think about it !!!

 

 

 

 

You're going to love this !!!

 

 

 

 

Everyone knows...

 

You can't kill Two Birds

With OneStone!!!

 

THE ' Y ' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 onward are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group
-Generation Y? 
Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...





Just thought you might want to know "Y"

You had ONE job

You had ONE job

Don't you think you could do better than these.

VIva la France

Pin Drop

      Once upon a time when our politicians did
not tend  to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher
on how  some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our
great  country. 
               
               
                
               These are good... 
               
                
               JFK'S 
               
               Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in
France in the early 60's when 
               
               DeGaulle decided to pull out of    NATO. 
               
               DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out
of  France as soon as possible. 
               Rusk    responded, 
               "Does that include those who are buried
here?" 

           DeGaulle did not respond. 
           
            
           You 
           could have heard a pin drop. 

   
    
   When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was
asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an
example of 
   
   'empire building' by George Bush. 
   He answered by saying,
   "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young
men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. 
   The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return  is enough
to bury those that did not return." 
   You 
   could have heard a pin drop. 
   
    
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
   
    
   There was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part,  including French and American. 
   During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room
saying,  "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? 
   He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami
victims. 
   What does he intend to do,  bomb  them?" 
   
    
   A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:  "Our carriers have
three hospitals on board  that can treat several hundred people; 
   they are nuclear powered and can supply  emergency electrical power
to shore facilities;  they have three cafeterias with  the capacity to feed
3,000 people three meals a day,  they can produce several thousand gallons
of  fresh water from sea water each day,  and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for  use in transporting victims and injured to and from their
flight deck.  We have eleven such ships;  how many does France have?" 
   
    
   You 
   could have heard a pin drop. 
   
    
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
     
   A    U.S. Navy Admiral  was attending a naval conference  that
included Admirals from the  U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies 
   At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with  a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. 
   Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks,
but a French admiral suddenly complained that,  whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English.  He then asked,  "Why is it that we
always have to speak English in these conferences  rather than speaking
French?" Without hesitating,  the American Admiral replied,  "Maybe it's
because the  Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans 
   arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak  German." 
   
    
   You 
   could have heard a pin drop. 
   
    
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
   
    
   AND  THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE... 
   Robert Whiting,  an elderly gentleman of 83,  arrived in Paris by
plane. 
   At French Customs,  he took a few minutes to locate his passport in
his carry on. 
   "You have been to France  before, monsieur?"  the customs officer
asked  sarcastically. 
   Mr. Whiting  admitted that he had been to France   previously. 
   "Then you should know enough  to have your passport ready." 
   The American said, "The last time I was here,  I  didn't have to
show it." 
   "Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on
arrival in France !" 
   The American senior  gave the Frenchman a long hard look. 
   Then, he quietly explained,  ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha
Beach  on 
   D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,  I couldn't find a
single Frenchman 
   to show a passport to." 
   
    
   You 
   could have heard a pin drop. 
   
    
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two
antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't
much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a
bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start
anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
salted..

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra..

5. A man walks into
a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one
for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing
The Green, Green Grass of Home."
   "That sounds like Tom
Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it
common?"
   "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are
standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was
artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe
you," says Dolly.
   "It's true; no bull!" exclaims
Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard
this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a
serious accident.  He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I
amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a
seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel..

14. What do you call a
fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

17.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.

   After about an hour, the manager came out of
the office, and asked
them to disperse.
   "But why," they
asked, as they moved off.
   "Because," he said. "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

18. A woman has twins,
and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt , and
is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of
Ahmal.. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've
seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A
dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
there was
"a small medium at large."

21. And finally, there was the person who sent
twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the
puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did. 
 

60th Class Reunion-Priceless!!!!

60th High   School Reunion He was a   widower and she a widow.   They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates   and having attended class   reunions in the past without fail.   This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a   foursome with two other singles.   They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.   The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling   coyly back at him.   Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"   After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,   "Yes,..... yes I will!"   The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he   was troubled.   Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”   He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over   the conversation of the previous   evening, but his mind was blank.   He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her   response. With fear and trepidation   he picked up the phone and called her.   First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he   reviewed the past evening.   As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked   if you would marry me,   did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”   "Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my   heart."   The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.   Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't   remember who asked me!”

Political Humor

Some of these are very insightful...We hang petty thieves and appoint the great thieves to public office.~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author  Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~John Quinton, American actor/writer Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism." I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris , 1902-1981) I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!! (I don't know who said this)

Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries... Some fascinating things on old tombstones! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York : Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ============================= In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go. ============================= On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the good die young. ============================= In a London , England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 ============================= In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. =============================== In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising. =============================== In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. ============================== In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery: Here lays The Kid, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. ================================ A lawyer's epitaph in England : Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange. ================================= John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny. ================================== In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England : On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune. ================================== Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont : Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go. ================================== On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts : Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God. ================================== In a cemetery in England : Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent,Until I know which way you went.