Martha Stewart's tips for rednecks

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard

before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler

to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed,

it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are

included in the will, it is still rude to

drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

 DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that

you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so

as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle,

always hold it with your hands.

 

 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never

be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table,

no matter how good his manners are.

 

 PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly,

this is a job that should be done in private

using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not

a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay

bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is

 a social no-no, as they tend to detract

from a woman's jewelry and alter the

taste of finger foods.

 

 DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,

especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're

interested: "I've been wanting to go out

with you since I read that stuff on the

 bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time

she is expected back. Some will say

10:00 PM. Others  might say "Monday.."

If the latter is the answer, it is the man's

responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

 THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the

lobby and picked up immediately after

the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters

on the screen. Tests have proven

they can't hear you.

 

 WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice

for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than

5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.

A leisure suit with a cummerbund and

a clean bowling shirt can create a

tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to

 socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching

vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and

the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop,

the vehicle with the largest tires does

not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty

hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the

road with a gas can, it is impolite to

ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling

in a funeral procession.