Perfect husband...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this

beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership

and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000.

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was

just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is

back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of

$900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra

eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker

room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Grandma goes to court.

HOW IS NORMA?

 This is hilarious!!

A sweet grandmotherTelephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.

What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
 
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check

with the nurse's station for that room."
 
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and

her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
 
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.

God bless you for the good News." 
  
The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" 
  
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me squat" 
  

A Peaceful Life

Ya' gotta love this guy!!!!!

Meet Walter Barnes

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped

their hands.

"OK, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all of them”  - and he calmly returned to his seat.

Old Dogs

One day an old Labrador retriever starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
 
The old Labrador retriever thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
 
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Labrador retriever exclaims loudly,
 
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
 
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
 
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Labrador retriever nearly had me!"
 
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
 
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
 
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
 
Now, the old  Labrador retriever sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Labrador retriever says...
 
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
 
Moral of this story...
 
Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8  Life is sexually transmitted. Number 7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 6  Men have two emotions :Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, do some baking . Number 5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years Number 4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing. Number 3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 2  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought    Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--  what you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.  - - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

    Painting  the Church
     
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very

interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down

his paint to make it go a wee bit further .

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually

the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside

of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.   

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and  setting up the planks,

and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

turpentine.........   

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly

completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,

the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint

from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to

land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles

of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"   

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint!   And thin no more!"   
        
"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

Oh stop groaning.

Rational Thoughts

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let ' ​s ​

remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much

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faster now.

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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are

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holding a gun, she's probably angry.

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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?

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That's common sense leaving your body.

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I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated"

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gets thrown around in the courtroom.

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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row

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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.

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I feel much better saying I went to the Jim this morning

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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you

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find one, what's your plan?

BACK NINE.  

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.  

But, here it is - the 'back nine' of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that 'I was only on the first hole' and the 'back nine' was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.  

But, here it is . . . my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me, but, I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant, but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.  

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit!  

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did! But, at least I know, that though I'm on the 'back nine,' and I'm not sure how long it will last, this I know for sure, that when it's over on this earth it's over. A new adventure will begin!  

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.  

So, if you're not on the 'back nine' yet let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you're on the 'back nine' or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!  

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.   LIVE IT WELL!   ENJOY TODAY!   DO SOMETHING FUN!   BE HAPPY!   HAVE A GREAT DAY!   Remember, "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."  

LIVE HAPPY  

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:  

Your kids are becoming you, but your grandchildren are perfect.  

Going out is good, but coming home is better.  

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.  

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.  

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.   You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep.  

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..  

You tend to use more 4 letter words . . . "what?" . . . "when?". . . " ???  

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.  

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.  

Everybody whispers.  

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet 2 of which you will never wear.  

But Old is good in some things ~~~ Old Songs, Old Movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS  

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"  

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.  

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.