Catholic Horses

A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.  He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The gambler was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and  hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'. The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.     Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Things my parents taught me

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..

    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside? I just finished

cleaning."

   
    2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.

    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

   
    3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle

of next week!"

   
    4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.

    "Because I said so, that's why."

   
    5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .

    "If you fall out of that swing and break your

    neck, you're not going to the store with me."
   
    6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.

    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
   

    7. My Parents taught me IRONY.

    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

   
    8. My Parents taught me about the science of

    OSMOSIS.

    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

   
    9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

   
    10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.

    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

   
    11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
   

    12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.

    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times.

       Don't exaggerate!"

   
    13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

   
    14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

    "Stop acting like your father!"

   
    15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.

    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who

don't have wonderful parents like you do."

   
    16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION

.
    "Just wait until we get home."

   
    17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.

    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

   
    18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are

     going to get stuck that way."

   
    19. My Parents taught me ESP.

    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

   
    20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.

    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

   
    21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

   
    22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.

    "You're just like your father."

   
    23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.

    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

   
    24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.

    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
   
    And my favorite:
   
    25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.

    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Thinking outside the box!

Israel’s new ‘Cutting Edge’ Airport Security

 TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!”  BRILLIANT.