Ponderisms

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3. Life is sexually transmitted.
4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6.Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7.Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8.Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10.In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

11.Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

13. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
14.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
15.Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
21. There are two kinds of people - ones who are crazy and one's who think they aren't!!
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?