Hunting

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.



Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.



Diary of a Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.


As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.


The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."


The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."


The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.


The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"


The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."


The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.


His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.


The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said,


"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!







An old woman walks into a gun shop and says to the owner,

"I need a big gun to shoot cans." The owner replies,


"How about this small rifle?" She says,"No these are really big cans."


"Well how about this medium sized rifle?" She says,


"No this are really big cans." Finally, frustrated, the owner says,


"What type of cans are you going to shoot?"


She replies, "Oh, you know, Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peurto Ri-cans!"



Taylor's dad always goes hunting every weekend. So one day Taylor asks to go with. Her dad , was surprised, but finally agreed to let his little angel come with him. So he told his buddies and they stayed home. They weren't hunting with a 13 year old! So Taylor and her dad drove up to the grounds. He hands Taylor a gun. Taylor then leaps up into a tree where her dad pionted. He tells her if she see's a deer to shoot and he'll come ruinning. Her dad starts to walk away and about 15 minutes later he hears a shot. But knowing Taylor it's probably a false alarm.

When he gets closer he hears Taylor screaming, " Get away from my deer!"


When Taylor's dad arrives at the scene he sees a man with his hands in the air and a cowboy hat on saying, " alright ma'am just lemme get my saddle off!"