Those fabulous Jewish Comedians

 You may remember  the
old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville
days:  
 Shecky Greene,  
 Red Buttons,  
 Totie Fields,
 Joey Bishop,  
 Milton Berle,
 Jan Murray,  
 Danny Kaye,
  Henny Youngman,  
 Buddy Hackett,
 Sid Caesar,  
 Groucho Marx,
 Jackie Mason,
 Victor Borge,  
 Woody Allen,
 Joan Rivers,  
 Lenny Bruce,
 George Burns,
 Allan Sherman,
 Jerry Lewis,  
 Peter Sellers,
 Carl Reiner,
 Shelley Berman,  
 Gene Wilder,
 George Jessel,
Alan King,
 Mel  Brooks,
 Phil Silvers,
 Jack Carter,  
 Rodney Dangerfield,  
 Don Rickles,
 Jack Benny
and so many others.
 



 
 And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
 
  * I just got  back from a pleasure trip. I took my  mother-in-law to the  airport.


 
 *  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill me!
 
  
 
 * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
 
  
 
 * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The  thief spends
less than my wife  did.
 
  
 
 * We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.


 
 * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.


 
 * My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the  Dead Sea  .
 

 
 * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud  fell off.
  
 
 *  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.


 
 * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"
 

 
 * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  
 Patient: "I am 60!"
 Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
 
  
  
 
 *  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
 
 Doctor: "Don't answer!"
 

 
 * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking."
 
 The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
 


  
 * Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

  
  The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact thatWon
Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.
  


  
  There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus  is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
  


  
  Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
  
  A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
 .
  
 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
  
 A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
  

 
  A man called his mother in  Florida  , 
 
 "Mom, how are you?"
 
  " Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."
 
  The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days."
 
 The son said, "That's terrible.
 
  Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
 
 The mother answered,  "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
 
  
 
  A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 
 
 "What part is it?"
 
  The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 
 
 "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."

 
 
  Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
 
  A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
 


  
  Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
  
  They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat. 
  


  
  Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a  Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
  
 "Force  yourself," she replied.
  


 
  
  Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
  
  A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
  


 
  
  Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
  
  A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off

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