Just plain old

*I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. 
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> She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? 
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> And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'! 
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> *Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
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> 'How old was your husband?' 
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> '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me' 
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> 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 
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> She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' 
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> *Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
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> 'And what do you think is the best thing 
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> about being 104?' the reporter asked. 
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> She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' 
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> *I've sure gotten old, the elderly man sat thinking. 
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> "I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 
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> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes 
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> I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
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> take 40 different medications that 
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> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
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> Have bouts with dementia. 
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> Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
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> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 
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> I still have my driver's license. 
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> *I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 
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> so I got my doctor's permission to 
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> join a fitness club and start exercising. 
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> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 
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> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, 
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> by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. 
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> *An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and 
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> told her preacher she had two final requests. 
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> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, 
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> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 
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> 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 
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> 'Why Wal-Mart?' 
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> 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week' 
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> *My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
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> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
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> *Know how to prevent sagging? 
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> Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. 
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> *It's scary when you start making the same noises 
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> as your coffee maker . 
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> *These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 
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> 'For fast relief.' 
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> *THE SENILITY PRAYER : 
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> Grant me the senility to forget the people 
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> I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 
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> the eyesight to tell the difference. 
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