UPS Pilot Report

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.  After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the  aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.  By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on  back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably  loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. *  P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P:Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And, * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget.