I
was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine
my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked
into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like
to buy?'
Wouldn't
it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------
Because
they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not
have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------
The
reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they
would HATE
to
have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------
All
eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the
bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The
guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------
Women
and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Three
friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?'
Artie
said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene
commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al
said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
-------------------------------------------------------
Smith
climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a
million years mean to you?'
The
Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith
asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The
Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith
asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The
Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A
man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In
fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,'
says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?
------------------------------------------------------------
John
was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last
request, dear,' he said.
'Of
course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six
months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But
I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With
his last breath John said, 'I do...
--------------------------------------
A
man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The
Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The
man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The
Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The
man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?'
The
Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A
week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on
the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The
man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'.
--
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