The fix

BEST THING I HAVE HEARD YET.....From a senior citizen around 80 yrs. of age. We aren't useless yet. The  Fix There recently was an article in the  St. Petersburg , Fl. Times. The Business Section  asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it! Dear  Mr. President, Please find  below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.  Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies  that will squander the money on lavish parties and  unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the  "Patriotic Retirement  Plan": There are about 40  million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them  $1 million apiece severance for early retirement  with the following  stipulations: 1) They MUST  retire. Forty million job openings -   Unemployment  fixed. 2) They MUST buy a new  A ME RICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered -   Auto Industry fixed. 3) They MUST  either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -  Housing Crisis fixed. It can't  get any easier than  that!! P.S. If more money is  needed, have all members in Congress pay their  taxes.. Mr. President, while  you're at it, make Congress retire on Social  Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto! Its a thought

Senior Rebuttal

THIS IS GOOD AND SUMS IT UP WELL! Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took: The melody out of music, The pride out of appearance, The courtesy out of driving, The romance out of love, The commitment out of marriage, The responsibility out of parenthood, The togetherness out of the family, The learning out of education, The service out of patriotism, The Golden Rule from rulers, The nativity scene out of cities, The civility out of behavior, The refinement out of language, The dedication out of employment, The prudence out of spending, The ambition out of achievement or God out of government and school. And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience andtolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!! And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts! YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN! I'm the life of the party....... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Spread the laughter 
Share the cheer Let's be happy 
While we're here.

My Favorite Old Person

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!  TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE  1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.  2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.  3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.  5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.  6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.  7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.  9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.  10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.  12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.  13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.  14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.  15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!  17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18.. Procrastinate Now!  .

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.  24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life is too short and friends are too few!

Wine

Letter to the bank

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for  bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last  month.

By my calculations, three  nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the  arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the  automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I  admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for  seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account  $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your  bank.

My thankfulness springs from the  manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial  ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and  letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,  overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has  become.

From now on, I, like you, choose  only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments  will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your  bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at  your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE  under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an  envelope.

Please find attached an  Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight  pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows  about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of  his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the  mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience,  I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in  dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be  shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button  presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank  service.

As they say, imitation is the  sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field  even further.

When you call me, press buttons  as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS  THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see  me

#2. To query a missing  payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my  living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my  bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my  toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my  mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my  computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to  you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned  earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu  and to listen to options 1 through 10

#9. To make a general complaint  or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on  hold, pending the attention of my automated answering  service.

#10. This is a second reminder to  press* for English.

While this may, on occasion,  involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the  call.

Regrettably, but again following  your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up  of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever  so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble  Client

And remember:



 Don't make old people  mad.
 We don't like being old in the first  place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
  
 
 

Chuckles

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

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The reason Politicians  try so hard to get re-elected is that they would  HATE to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.  

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her  father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.  The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.  

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' 

 

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

 

Eugene   commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

 

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

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Smith climbs to the top of  Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.   Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' 

 

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

 

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

 

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

 

'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.  In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!  I'm going crazy.   What do you think I should do?' 

 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.  'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 

'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 

 

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

 

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

 

With his last breath John said, 'I do...

 




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A man goes to see the Rabbi.  'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' 

 

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' 

 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' 

 

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' 

 

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' 

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?' 

 

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'.

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