Notes from the edge of life

 Dear Noah, 

We could have sworn you said the ark

wasn't leaving till  5. 

Sincerely,

Unicorns

----------------------------------

Dear  America ,

You produced Miley Cyrus.

Bieber is your  punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

----------------------------------

Dear  Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know,

let's Yahoo! it..."  Just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

----------------------------------

Dear  2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the

president is black?  Whaa happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

----------------------------------

Dear  Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in  Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon  Ladies

----------------------------------

Dear Ugly  People,

You're  welcome.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

----------------------------------

Dear  World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012.

Our calendars end there  because some

Spanish d-bags invaded our country

and we got a little busy  ok?

Sincerely,

The  Mayans

----------------------------------

Dear White People,

Don't  you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native  Americans

---------------------------------- 

Dear  Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming.

Karma's a  witch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic 
---------------------------------- 

Dear  iPhone,

Please stop spell checking all of my rude words

into nice words.  You piece of smut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone  User 

----------------------------------


Dear Trash,

At least  you get picked up....

Sincerely,

The Girls of  JerseyShore

---------------------------------- 

For the older crowd

THE OLDER CROWD A distraught senior citizen Phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication You prescribed has to be taken For the rest of my life?' 'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence Before the senior lady replied, I'm wondering, then, Just how serious is my condition Because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.' ******************** An older gentleman was On the operating table Awaiting surgery And he insisted that his son, A renowned surgeon, Perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, He asked to speak to his son 'Yes, Dad, what is it? ' 'Don't be nervous, son; Do your best And just remember, If it doesn't go well, If something happens to me, Your mother Is going to come and Live with you and your wife....' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!) Aging: Eventually you will reach a point When you stop lying about your age And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old." --------------------------------- The older we get, The fewer things Seem worth waiting in line for. --------------------------------- Some people Try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way And some of the roads weren't paved. ******************** When you are dissatisfied And would like to go back to youth, Think of Algebra. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you are getting old when Everything either dries up or leaks. ------------------------------- One of the many things No one tells you about aging Is that it is such a nice change From being young. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ah, being young is beautiful, But being old is comfortable. ***************************************** First you forget names, Then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when You forget to pull it down. --------------------------------- Two guys one old one young Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, And I guess I wasn't paying attention To where I was going. The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...' I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate' The old guy says, 'Well, Maybe I can help you find her.. What does she look like?' ' The young guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, With red hair, Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, Long legs, And is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.' (ADORABLE) ********************* And this final one especially for me...... Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, And, Your hand over my mouth!

I've been to many places

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. **** I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. **** They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, **** but you have to jump, and I'm not too much  on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. **** That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, **** but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, **** and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! **** It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!**** ** **

Good News From The Kitchen

 

This woman is 51.  She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition  and health, promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet  high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation and supplements.    This woman is 51. She is Nigllea Lawson a TV cook, who eats meat, butter and desserts, and Loves a good wine! I REST MY CASE

The awesome power of a wife's love 
 
  
  


  
  
    

 
 A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's

doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his

favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the

stairs. 

 He gathered his remaining strength and

lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the

wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort forced himself down

the stairs, gripping the railing with both

hands. 
 
 With labored breath, he leaned against the

door frame, gazing into the kitchen.Were it not for

death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven. 
 
 There, spread out on

newspapers on the kitchen table were literally

hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. 
 
 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of

heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that

he left this world a happy man? 
 
 Mustering one

great final effort, he threw himself toward the 

table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its 

way

to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was

suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. 



"Stay out of those," she said.

"They're for the funeral."

BE THANKFUL

  FOR THE WIFE 


WHO SAYS IT'S HOT

DOGS TONIGHT, 
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH

YOU, 
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 




FOR THE HUSBAND 


WHO IS ON THE SOFA 
BEING A COUCH POTATO,

 
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH YOU 
AND NOT OUT

AT  THE BARS.

 


FOR THE TEENAGER

 
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES

 
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON

THE STREETS. 




FOR THE TAXES YOU PAY 


BECAUSE IT MEANS I YOU ARE EMPLOYED 





FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU HAVE BEEN

SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

 


FOR THE CLOTHES THAT

FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. 





FOR YOUR SHADOW THAT

WATCHES YOU WORK

 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU ARE OUT IN THE

SUNSHINE 





FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS

MOWING, 
WINDOWS THAT

NEED CLEANING, 
AND

GUTTERS THAT NEED

FIXING 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU HAVE A HOME .

 


FOR ALL THE

COMPLAINING 
YOU HEAR

ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT

 
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF

SPEECH. 




FOR THE PARKING SPOT

YOU FIND AT THE FAR END

OF THE PARKING LOT 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU CAPABLE OF WALKING

 
AND HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH 

TRANSPORTATION . 




FOR YOUR HUGE HEATING

BILL

 
BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU ARE WARM.

 


FOR THE LADY BEHIND YOU

IN CHURCH WHO SINGS

OFF KEY

BECAUSE IT MEANS 
YOU CAN HEAR.

 



FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. 





FOR WEARINESS AND

ACHING MUSCLES AT THE

END OF THE DAY 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU BEEN CAPABLE OF

WORKING HARD. 

                                    





FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES

OFF 
IN THE EARLY MORNING

HOURS 


BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU ARE ALIVE.