Texas Humor

Texas Humor 


IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS 

 ....the birds  have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
 
 ....the trees  are whistling for the dogs.
 
  ....the best parking place is determined by  shade instead of distance
 
  ....hot water comes from both  taps.
 
  ....you can make sun tea instantly.
 
  ....you  learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
  .
 
  ....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C)  and you feel a little  chilly.
 
  ....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your  car.
 
  ....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
 
  ....you  actually burn your hand opening the car door.
 
  ....you break into a sweat  the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
 
  ....your biggest bicycle wreck  fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
  up lying on the pavement and cook to  death"?
 
  ....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
 
  ....the  potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out 
  and add butter.
 
  ....the cows are giving evaporated  milk.
 
  ....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
  boiled  eggs
 
 
  IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS 
(at least around Waxahachie  )
 
  That the  Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
 
  The Methodists are using  wet-wipes,
 
  Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
 
  And the Catholics  are praying for the wine to turn back into  water!

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth."


 Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at CrossTrails Church in Fairlie , Texas :

 
 

 (1) Just one God. 
 (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. 
 (3) No telling tales or gossipin'. 
 (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. 
 (5) Put nothin' before God. 
 (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. 
 (7) No killin'. 
 (8) Watch yer mouth. 
 (9) Don't take what ain't yers. 
 (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff. 

 Y'all git all that?

 
 

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas

 
 

 If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas; 
 
 If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, 
 You may live in Texas; 
 
 If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, 
 you may live in Texas; 
 
 If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas; 
 
 If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas; 
 
 If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

 
 

 If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas; 
 
 If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to usethem, you may live in Texas; 
 
 If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas; 
 
 If you find 60 degree little chilly,' 
 you may live in Texas; 
 
 If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends,you DEFINITELY live in Texas.