When A Soldier Comes Home

WHEN A SOLDIER COMES HOME

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

...to listen to his son whine about being bored.

.....to keep a straight face when people complain about potholes.

to be tolerant of people who complain about the hassle of getting ready for work.

...to be understanding when a co-worker complains about a bad night's sleep.

..to be silent when people pray to God for a new car.

....to control his panic when his wife tells him he needs to drive slower.

..to be compassionate when a businessman expresses a fear of flying.

....to keep from laughing when anxious parents say they're afraid to
send their kids off to summer camp.

.....to keep from ridiculing someone who complains about hot weather.

.....to control his frustration when a colleague gripes about his coffee being cold.

.....to remain calm when his daughter complains about having to walk the dog..

......to be civil to people who complain about their jobs.

......to just walk away when someone says they only get two weeks of vacation a year.

.....to be forgiving when someone says how hard it is to have a new baby in the house.

Is loving one.

I was asked to pass this on and I will gladly do so,

Poetry

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION


ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming:

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other

--that is until I met your brother.

Roses are re, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

but don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies.

My love you take my breath away,

what have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,

except for maybe, 'Go to Hell'.

What inspired the amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING.

********

Texas Bank Robber A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?' There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy (BillyBob)tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

A REBIRTH

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you haveanother 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: I didn't recognize you."

Observation at the ATM

Here is my observation of a blonde driving up to an ATM.

1 Drive up to cash machine.


2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.


3. Set parking brake, put the window down.


4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.


5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.


6. Attempt to insert card into machine.


7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.


8. Insert card.


9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.


12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.


13. Enter amount of cash required.


14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.


15. Retrieve cash and receipt.


16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.


17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.


18. Re-check makeup.


19. Drive forward 2 feet.


20. Reverse back to cash machine.


21. Retrieve card.


22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.


23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.That would be me.


24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.


25. Redial person on cell phone.


26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.


27. Release Parking Brake.

How did I know the driver was a blonde? Check the license plate.

OK Ladies, Here's a payback!

STOCK MARKET: INVESTMENT OR PONZE SCHEME

My father did not believe in the stock market. He had seen his father loose a fortune in a few minutes during the 1929 Crash. He also had little trust in banks, maintaining a small checking account. He was a country doctor and had good credit throughout the great depression, even though most of his income was in the form of fruits, vegetables, chickens, etc. When he or his expanded family, or other townspeople in Fort Myers, Florida, needed money, he would go to the bank and take out a loan. When cash money would arrive from our northern winter visitors he would start paying back the loans. Due to multitudes of mosquitoes and no air conditioning, the tourist season was only about 6 weeks long. As the season approached, he would frequently quip, “It's about time to go skin a yankee”. As the years passed, a lot more people moved to Florida (along with their money) and he could afford to pay off more debt, but he never had a savings account or plan, other than borrow and pay back. Consequently, as I was growing up I didn't get much of an education of finance, other than buying 10 cent savings stamps for the WWII war effort.

My father-in-law introduced me to the stock market. When we would visit Jacksonville, he would take me downtown to Merrill-Lynch and we would watch the ticker-tape slide across the screen.

He was a retired railroad man with a modest pension and stock portfolio, but an intense student of the market. He would tell me what companies the letters on the screen represented and how they were performing. He also showed me some of the literature on some companies and how you could tell which were good and which were not performing very well. Basically, the rule was to look at the price of the stock compared to earnings per share. The good stocks had a price/earnings of about 10. For every 10 dollars of stock value the earnings should be 1 dollar. The company would pay out about half of the earnings, as dividends, and retain the other half for company development and growth. Thus, a return on investment of about 5%. Many of those stocks are no longer listed. The stars were Standard Oil of New Jersey, US Steel, Sears, Anaconda Copper, automobiles, and a host of railroads. Investors in this time period of “the Greatest Generation” did pretty well. Few made a mint, but most were satisfied making about a 10% return on their investment. This gave rise to a period of prosperity. Then along came technology, like Texas Instruments, with soaring profits. This revolutionized the market and stock prices began to be based on expected growth of profits rather than that of demonstrated growth. Price/earnings ratios soared to 100-200 and it was a new ball game. Investments became more speculative. Executives began chasing higher salaries and company loyalty was no longer a consideration. High fliers would sometimes zoom and later crash. This led to the emergence of mutual funds.

For a fee, generally about 8 ½ per cent (load) to a sales organization, one could put money into a mutual fund managed by professionals who in turn would charge a small management fee from thousands of investors whose pooled money was invested in a wide range of stocks. The mutual funds protected investors from crashing stock by having soaring stocks and steady stocks. As this was pre-computer age, these full time managers did a much better job of keeping up the the latest information than the casual investors and the record of many of these early funds, like Fidelity and Oppenhimer, did quite well. I took the exam and became a Registered Representative of the National Association of Securities Dealer and attempted to sell mutual funds, but when good no-load funds emerged, I dropped out. I couldn't take a commission when I knew customers would do as well, without paying me. At first, these front end loaded mutuals funds thrived and became popular, new no-load funds emerged, and salesmen were no longer required. With the massive amount of money these mutual funds controlled, they could now compete with banks, insurance companies and other investing institutions. Then along comes the computer and personal computer which open up additional investment opportunities. Individuals can again enter the market with the use of charts and discount high volume brokerages. But they were playing against a stacked deck.

The market has undergone a complete metamorphosis since under the tutelage of my father-in-law when I bought six shares of Standard Oil of New Jersey. Market gurus and touts continue to state that investors will receive a 10% return over the long run. This is pure speculation. Over the last 50 years the return on the DJIA companies is down to 7%, and approximates 0% for the last 10 years. Companies that are not doing well or fail are removed from the indices and replaced by stronger companies, further skewing the indicies. Executive salaries have skyrocketed draining funds from research and development and product improvement. The long term viability of the company now takes second place behind results for the next fiscal quarter or annual report, which can result in bonuses.

Long ago, when a company bought back stock, it was a very good sign. A stock split or stock dividend was anticipated. Now the buy-backs are generally for executive incentive awards. Originally it wasn't a bad idea to reward the executives with a couple hundred shares for good performance. Now they are rewarded for mediocrity. A recent review of several top flight companies revealed the annual pay was about $1.5 million. That seems like adequate and fair pay. But then there was the reward of about $6 million in stock shares, $8 million more in stock options, plus untold millions for meeting or exceeding certain targets, plus perks, and golden parachutes. This is all quite legal, since it is approved by the board of directors. This board is generally made up of executives from other companies and are quite generously rewarded. These executives not infrequently reciprocate by rewarding their benefactor's executives with positions as directors (quid pro quo). They are generally quite grateful to be selected, and only very seldom dethrone the CEO.

In recent years with the vastly improved communication, there has been a trend of companies to export jobs to foreign countries to capitalize on lower wages for workers. This has been a quick way for many companies to quickly reduce costs and improve the bottom line which in turn generates increased remuneration for executives, but little of the improvement is exemplified by increased dividends to stockholders. Unfortunately the government has been complicit in the movement of wealth from our country to developing nations, through tax laws. Much of the blame for moving jobs off-shore is thrust upon the unions demand for ever increasing pay and benefits. But most of the jobs exported were non-union, and there was virtually no effort to negotiate with the unions prior to the export. Company executives paid little thought to the long term effects of their actions. Customers, like me, are not happy if they have to get technical advice from an Indian, that doesn't communicate well in English. There are also dire unintended consequences. The middle class, has been the backbone of our economy. Most of the job losses are to the large middle class. The resulting unemployment puts downward pressure on wages of other middle class workers. As a result, the middle class cannot afford to buy as many of the goods of the Corporations, nor do they pay as much in taxes. So! Exporting the jobs temporarily helped the bottom line, but may have disastrous long term effects on both the companies involved and in the country's economy.

Our current situation harkens back to the days of the Robber Barons prior to the great depression. Now that the “Me Generation” has grown up and is fully in control, we can no longer rely on corporate management to take actions that is in the best interest of the company, the stockholders , or the employees.

Relying totally on the market for retirement, or heaven forbid, privatized social security, would be a potential horror story. Diversification of assets is of the utmost importance in the current day and age, but some stocks will be needed to protect against inflation. Be sure to save and invest in something, but spread your saving around and don't rely on stocks alone.

Caveat Emptor.

To God--From Dog

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?


Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?


Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?


Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?


Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.



1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.


2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.


3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.



4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.



5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.



6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.



7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.



8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .



9.. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.



 10. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.


When I get to Heaven can I have my testicles back?

More of Cosby

They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.

I can't even talk the way these people talk:

Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...

And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

And then I heard the father talk.

Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting.They are buying things for kids.

$500 sneakers for what?

And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.

Where were you when he was 2?

Where were you when he was 12?

Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?

And where is the father? Or who is his father?

People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?

People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from??

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .....

I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.

I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England ,Ireland, or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa. So stop, already! ! !

With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.

We have got to take the neighborhood back.

People used to be ashamed.Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.

We have millionaire football players who cannot read.

We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.

Someone working at Walmart with seven kids, you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..

We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
Dr.. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.




It's NOT about color...

It's about behavior!!!

9/11 Budweiser Tribute

Ponderisms

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3. Life is sexually transmitted.
4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6.Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7.Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8.Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10.In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

11.Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

13. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
14.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
15.Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
21. There are two kinds of people - ones who are crazy and one's who think they aren't!!
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Support Our Troops

 
           

A mother asked this President... 'Why did my son have to die in Iraq ?'

A mother asked this President.. 'Why did my son have to die in Saudi Arabia?'

A mother asked this President... 'Why did my son have to die in Kuwait ?'

Another mother asked this President... 'Why did my son have to die in Vietnam ?'


Another mother asked this President... 'Why did my son have to die in Korea ?'


Another mother asked this President... 'Why did my son have to die on Iwo Jima ?'


Another mother asked President... 'Why did my son have to die in France ?'



Yet another mother asked President...'Why did my son have to die at Gettysburg ?'


And yet another mother asked President...     'Why did my son have to die on a frozen field near Valley Forge ?'



Then long, long ago, a mother asked..

'Heavenly Father .. why did my Son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem ?'

The answer is always the same...  'So that others may live and dwell in peace, happiness, and freedom.'


If you are not willing to stand BEHIND our troops,
Please, please feel free to stand in front of them....


GOD BLESS AMERICA

9/11

GOD BLESS