Hunting

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.



Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.



Diary of a Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.


As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.


The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."


The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."


The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.


The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"


The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."


The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.


His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.


The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said,


"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!







An old woman walks into a gun shop and says to the owner,

"I need a big gun to shoot cans." The owner replies,


"How about this small rifle?" She says,"No these are really big cans."


"Well how about this medium sized rifle?" She says,


"No this are really big cans." Finally, frustrated, the owner says,


"What type of cans are you going to shoot?"


She replies, "Oh, you know, Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peurto Ri-cans!"



Taylor's dad always goes hunting every weekend. So one day Taylor asks to go with. Her dad , was surprised, but finally agreed to let his little angel come with him. So he told his buddies and they stayed home. They weren't hunting with a 13 year old! So Taylor and her dad drove up to the grounds. He hands Taylor a gun. Taylor then leaps up into a tree where her dad pionted. He tells her if she see's a deer to shoot and he'll come ruinning. Her dad starts to walk away and about 15 minutes later he hears a shot. But knowing Taylor it's probably a false alarm.

When he gets closer he hears Taylor screaming, " Get away from my deer!"


When Taylor's dad arrives at the scene he sees a man with his hands in the air and a cowboy hat on saying, " alright ma'am just lemme get my saddle off!"

Air Force Academy

While on a flying assignment at McGuire Air Force Base (New Jersey) in 1959, I received a surprise reassignment to the Air Force Academy. The Academy had just moved into their permanent home outside of Colorado Springs, from their temporary location near Denver. My assignment was to the Department of Chemistry to teach Human Physiology. This was a new, last minute addition to the curriculum and I only had two weeks to pack up my family, including 4 small children, and drive across country on two lane roads to Colorado. By the time we arrived and found a place to stay, there was only two or three days before classes started. Four other officers were in the same position. All we had was a text book, so there was a mad rush to develop lesson plans for the first few days.








On the first day of classes, I was very apprehensive. I knew that the IQ of each of the cadets was probably the square of mine, but they were also under pressure and had to prepare for a number of courses. I only had to prepare for one. I survived that first day, but was always impressed by the cadets and honored to work with them. As time went by I became more comfortable, perhaps too comfortable.

A few years later, I had a number of cadets that kept asking what they could do to receive extra credit. I always explained that we couldn't give extra credit, because it would not be fair to all the other cadets. They were always in competition for standing in their class. Nevertheless, they continued to ask for the extra credit. One day I thought of a way to silence them.

At the beginning of each classroom period, we always gave a short written quiz of ten questions worth 10 points each. One day I inserted an 11th question for one “extra credit” point. It was in two parts worth ½ point each.

Question 11a. - Describe the Universe,
Question 11b. - Give two examples.

While they were taking the quiz, I could tell when they came to question 11, by the grins and groans. I was very satisfied with myself, until I graded the papers and saw that one cadet had correctly answered the questions.

11a – everything
11b – ours and the other one.

I gave him the one point extra credit and never tried to outsmart the cadets again.



*******************************

One Day At A Time

The most useless thing to do ... ........Worry

The greatest Joy....................... ........Giving 



The greatest loss.................Loss of self-respect 






The most satisfying work............. ...Helping others

The ugliest personality trait......................Selfishness 



The most endangered species...................Dedicated leaders 



The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement 



The greatest problem to overcome......... ....Fear

Most effective sleeping pill........... ...Peace of mind

he most crippling failure disease..... ....Excuses 


The most powerful force in life.............. ........Love

The most dangerous pariah.................................A gossiper




The world's most incredible computer... ...The brain !

The worst thing to be without...................Hope 



The deadliest weapon.... The tongue....... 



The two most power-filled words..............."I Can" 



The greatest asset.............. ...Faith

The most worthless emotion................Self-pity 



The most prized possession................Integrity 



The most beautiful attire................ ...A SMILE!

The most powerful channel of communication..... ...Prayer

The most contagious spirit............ .....Enthusiasm 


The most important thing in life....... ........GOD

Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!! 


Living Will

A LIVING WILL

I, ____________________, being of sound mind and

body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by

artificial mens.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the

hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth

grade biology, if their lives depended on it, or

lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the

bills

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask

for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine

Chocolate

Margarita

Sex

Martini

Cold Beer

Chocolate

Chicken fried steak

Cream gravy

Sex

Mexican food

Chocolate

French fries

Chocolate

Pizza

Sex

Ice cream

Cup of tea

Chocolate

Chocolate

Sex

Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct

my appointed person and attending physicians to pull

the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing', and

call it a day!

Then Have a Drink, IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Light-haired people

Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms. Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... * she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. Q: Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond? A: They open on impact. Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!" A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." A Blonde Job Interview A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'" Q. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A. Toes go in first.

More Smiles

From A Mother With Love

Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Labour Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

10 Reasons Not To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Coincidences

Back in the late 1930's we finally got a home of our own in Ft. Myers, FL. We had been living in rented houses which were nice, but were on oyster shell roads which were somewhat smelly when newly deposited. Our new home was not only on a paved road, but THE paved road- McGregor Blvd. This is the road with all the beautiful Royal Palms you see in pictures. It is the same road that the estates of Edison, Ford, and Firestone are on, but they are located about 2 miles closer to downtown.

Our new home was a large two story stucco house, with the bedrooms, two baths and a sleeping porch on the second story (no air conditioning at the time). There was a two car garage and attached garage apartment, with a solar heater on the roof.

I thought Dad had really hit it big. It wasn't until years later I learned how he got it in those very austere times. There was a couple from New York motored down to Ft. Myers every year on the first of January and stayed until the middle of February, then motored back. That was the tourist season, because of mosquitos and temperature. A black man drove them down and back.

The couple had been coming down for almost 20 years when the man died. The surviving lady sold it to Dad, because she wanted young children to be in the raised in it. The price was $4,500, no interest, pay when you can. That's hard to imagine today, but it wasn't uncommon in those days.

Jump in a “worm hole” and fast forward to a couple years ago. The house is long gone, and replaced by a parking lot for a church.

My sister, Barbara, who was a motivating force in the local historical society, picked up the society's mail one day. It included a letter from a man who wrote that his parents used to have a winter home in Fort Myers, and were driven down there every year by a black man. He just wondered if anyone happened to know what became of the house. Barbara explained to him the strange coincidence, that she was raised in that house.

Several weeks later, Barbara read the letter at the historical society meeting, and explained the strange coincidence that she had related to the man. A black lady in the audience raised her hand and said, “My daddy was the man that drove them down from New York”.

Now how's that for coincidences. OK all together now---

“IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WORLD-------”

OXYMORONS

Act naturally

Loners Club



Postal Service



Happily married



Holy war



Found missing



Resident alien



Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing



Near miss

Great depression



Phone sex



United nations



Advanced BASIC



Genuine imitation



Death benefits



Airline Food

Women's rights



Good grief



Same difference



Almost exactly



Sensitive man



Government organization



Everything except

Civil War



Good kid

Sanitary landfill



Alone together


Legally drunk



Silent scream



British fashion



Living dead

Loners Club





Happily married



Microsoft Works



Holy war



Found missing



Resident alien



Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing



Near miss

Great depression



Phone sex



United nations



Advanced BASIC



Genuine imitation



Death benefits



Airline Food

Fish'n

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife

….best trade I ever made.

A Fishy Story

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Bill and Frank rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. Bill says to the Frank, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish." Frank replies, "Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." Bill says to Frank sharply, "You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down to the driveway he goes

Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.

Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the weather channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"

An old man and a game warden were great fishing buddies. Every Saturday they would fish together. One Thursday, the game warden was checking a local fish market. When he walked in there were fish piled all over the floor, about 2 feet deep. The game warden asked where all these fish came from and the manager said, “Your buddy, the old man brought them in”. On Friday, the scene was repeated and there were even more fish on the floor, and according to the manager the old man had brought them in.

On Saturday morning the game warden could hardly wait. He asked his partner where in the world he had caught all those fish. The old man said, “Wait a few minutes and I'll show you. They got in the boat and motored about a mile off shore, stopped and anchored. The old man reached into his tackle box and picked up a stick of dynamite. The game warden about flipped his lid and shouted, “Hey you can't do that—we've got to have a serious conversation”. The old man, lit the fuse on the dynamite, handed it to the game warden and said, “Do you want to fish or talk?”

Cosby has done it again

Bill Cosby has done it again.

Nothing we haven't all said.. But not so eloquently.


BACK TO CASH AND CARRY WOULD HELP ALSO!
Bill Cosby has a great way of "distilling" things. Looks like he's done it again!


AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned.. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!

(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders notto fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.


(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ...... For life.

(8). Crime -- We will adopt the Turkish method, I.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes .... Nevertheless....


GOD BLESS AMERICA !