How Aspargus Got Its Name

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire  Bible. Here is what he wrote; The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there  was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The  Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He  must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were  naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors  hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,  so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not  sure what they were driven in though, because they  didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother  as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early  people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be  like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was  a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some  animals on it. He asked some other people to join  him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob  was more famous than his brother, Esau, because  Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some  pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore  a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real  name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel  Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh  after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,  and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.  These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or  covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy  father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was  the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the  battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing  a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named  Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500  porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that  doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league  prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was  swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the  shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but  I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was  born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been  born in a barn too, because my mom is always  saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a  barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact,  I was.'') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with  sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The worst one  was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that  they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards  and even preached to some Germans on the  Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put  Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't  stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back  to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back  at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in  the book of Revolution. (Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this,  but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make  someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!)